Macaroni & Cheese you are my Everest

“I can’t even make banana bread there’s no way I could make meth,” I told Robert (of Inglorious Bastards/Bitches, my new writing group, fame) on Tuesday night. We were talking about how you get carded to buy allergy meds. It makes me feel suspect whenever I have to go to the pharmacy counter and beg for my loratadine and pseudoephedrine. Of course I have a guilty conscience, I’m Catholic.

He laughed, but I wasn’t kidding. I can’t make banana bread. Or I can’t consistently make edible banana bread. So far I’ve attempted to make it three times, only once was it edible. And if you tell me how easy banana bread is to make I will punch you in the face. I know it’s supposed to be easy. I’ve only read about 38 recipes. Somehow I fuck it up.

So you can understand my irritation at the very idea that I could make crystal meth using a recipe.

But my crankiness concerning banana bread cannot compare to the macaroni & cheese anxiety I’m living with. Ever since I saw some Alton Brown thing on the Food Channel that combined Revolutionary War-era history and a recipe for macaroni & cheese (something to do with Yankee Doodle Dandy), I’ve been obsessed with making homemade macaroni & cheese (and if you tell me it’s easy I won’t just punch you in the face, I will punch you in the face and then light you on fire). I’ve made it about a dozen times (including last night) and every single time I end up with a pasty, flavorless mass of not-cheesy grossness. I’m not quite sure how I fuck it up. I’ve tried about a dozen different recipes and yet. . . barfiness every time I make it.

How someone can turn pasta, butter, milk, and cheese into something disgusting is a true mystery.

Normally, the fact that I cannot make macaroni & cheese would not cause me more than minor irritation. However, I opened my big, fat mouth and told Sister #2 that I would bring it for Rock & Roll Bookclub on Saturday. Since I still haven’t lived down the one time in 2003 when I said I would make potato salad and didn’t, I have to bring the mac and the cheese. You see how my honor is at stake, don’t you?

I’m so screwed.

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6 Comments

  1. steve 26.Mar.10 at 7:01 am

    Dude, AB’s recipe for M&C BLOWS CHUNKS. I’ve used it too, and have had to alter it over and over to produce anything with any flavor at all.

    Reply
  2. Jodi 26.Mar.10 at 9:03 am

    So what is your magical M&C recipe? Why are you holding out on me?

    Reply
  3. Lori 26.Mar.10 at 10:30 am

    I have also experienced horrible failure with homemade m&c. Mine was at Thanksgiving, no less. The sad thing is that it LOOKED really good and people got excited. Then they tasted it and the room grew silent. 🙁 My two suggestions are 1) find a recipe that has ratings or has been reviewed so you can weed out the clunkers or 2) and my personal favorite, buy a couple boxes of Kraft (with the pre-made cheese in the foil packets, NOT the kind where you add your own butter and milk). Make it according to directions. Then sprinkle the top with breadcumbs and butter and brown it under the broiler. It will “look” homemade and no one will vomit!

    Reply
  4. Placemat 26.Mar.10 at 10:57 am

    Velveeta.

    I wouldn’t normally touch the stuff, but for Mac & Cheese it is a must. Use any other types of cheeses (the more the better) you want, but be sure to add some Velveeta.

    Yummy in your tummy every time.

    I’d also suggest some other type of pasta like shells or bow-ties. Help make it look all fancy and shit.

    Reply
  5. FFJ 26.Mar.10 at 9:39 pm

    Country Crock makes M&C sides. If you’re desperate you can always use that for bookclub. But I agree with the Velveeta comment, it’s a must.

    Reply
  6. sarafenix 28.Mar.10 at 9:45 pm

    I will send you the world’s best macaroni and cheese recipe. Easy, and this comes from a old lady raised in Watts eating Sunday dinner at every other house than mine with fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, biscuits, and lots of heart attack potential. Will copy and send tonight. You will knock ’em dead.

    Reply

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