Sleeping with a vibrator under your pillow will not attract the boyfriend fairy

I woke up in the early pre-dawn morning to find my left hand firmly wrapped around a penis. Huh, I thought to my half-asleep, half-awake self, I don’t remember that being here when I went to bed. For a moment I fell back to sleep only to dream about Liv Tyler in my bed, and she had a penis. Probably because I spent a portion of last night watching Damn the man, save the Empire Records.

Having an unidentified penis in my bed, disturbed me right back out of slumber. How did that penis get in the bed? It took me a moment or so to realize that the hand holding the penis was under my pillow. Then it slowly came back to me, the vibrator!

Yesterday I had to babysit the Tibbles. It wasn’t until we were tromping upstairs, the DVD for “Wonka Wonak” firmly clutched in Liam’s hand that I realized certain appliances had been left on nightstands within easy view of children.

I ushered the Tibbles into the still-uninhabited master suite, went to my bedroom, shoved the vibrator under the pillows, and in my sternest grown-up voice told the Tibbles to keep out. I’ve already had enough embarrassing penis talks with Nolan. I was in no need for any more.

It was while I was putting the vibrator back on the nightstand where it belongs that I decided it’d been really cool if the boyfriend fairy had happened along while I was sleeping and left a real penis in place of my fake one.

Damn.

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3 Comments

  1. shokkou 06.Jan.08 at 2:48 pm

    I haven’t yet figured out what i have to put under my pillow to get a penis from the penis fairy either. Knowing what a pain the man-mind/man-body attached to the penis can be, i thought maybe collected razor stubble and toenail clippings would work but it didn’t. Maybe a summer sausage and a plate of cheese…

    Reply
  2. Placemat 06.Jan.08 at 6:56 pm

    the cheese part is disturbing me…

    Reply
  3. PeeWee 07.Jan.08 at 6:21 pm

    I love the penis posts.

    Reply

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