Last week one of my friends told me he/she is expecting a new baby. No names, unfortunately, because he/she is not ready to divulge such information. I, of course, am so excited that I want to shout it from the rooftops.
Today my much-missed coworker Maria brought in her two-month-old twin boys, Hunter and Noah. So, I got to spend a few hours this afternoon smelling baby heads and relaxing. It was absolutely divine.
Stop covering your ears, I know the sound of my biological clock is nearly deafening.
Over the past week, I’ve learned that I cannot talk about pregnancy and having babies without wanting to burst into tears. In fact, it’s even hard to write about without crying. Talking about your fears is never easy.
I will be 35 in about three months. I can feel my eggs growing stale with every tick of the clock. Getting pregnant and having a baby is something I’ve always wanted to do. As I age, it seems like I need to start facing the possibility that this might just not be in the cards for me.
That makes me sad. I wish I could explain this strong desire to reproduce. But all I can ever come up with is the bratty refrain, ‘because I want to.’
People tell me that I can adopt, and Sister #3 has offered to be a surrogate for me, however, this does not get around the fact that what I want is to be pregnant. For a long time I thought this desire was somehow tied to not knowing my biological father. That this was the illogical reason my desire to have a child was so great.
But I’m not so sure that’s the reason at all. It would make sense if I wanted to get married and raise a child with my man of choice, giving my child the two biological parents I never had. Yet, in all my pregnancy, child-rearing fantasies, a man is never in the picture. Except, of course, for the crazy-good sex that puts the baby there.
I was 35 when I met my husband, 40 when I gave birth to our son. Your clock has not stopped ticking. BUT if you don’t see a man in there anyway, what’s to stop you from gettting pregnant? But you know, kids do turn your brain to mush.
I’ll second that. My brain isn’t even mush any more, it’s soup.
Thank you for the reassurance. I know it’s completely irrational, and I know a lot of people who had kids at 40. But are fears of any kind ever grounded in rational, logical thinking?
there is a difference between wanting to get pregnant, having a family and raising a child. i can understand the irrational fear of “the clock” – it’s beaten into our brains that for whatever reason everything stops working at 35 and it’s just a matter of time before you are taken out back and shot. but you know that’s not true.
so here we are at having a family – we always want the family that we don’t have – and yes your case in unique – what with the Daddy issues and all – but took a good look at the family that you have – relatives, friends, blahgers – how does baby einstein fit into all of that.
next is raising a child – the biggest, most best responsibility that you can take on – ask yourself are you ready to give up dawson’s creek and sleep? are you ready to give up writing on some level? because all of those things are going to go away – but they will be replaced by an incredible little supergenius.
and i know this is heavy, but i am asking myself the same questions now since we are going to start trying too – HEY! let’s get pregnant together!
wahhhh-hhooooo!
I can’t help with the pregnancy part, but I have a five-year old I’d let you have pretty cheap.
You can do it–artificial insemenanation or however you spell that.
That’s what I’ll be doing in about four years.
I’m going to also add that I think that our fine supergenius does understand that she may need to trade Dawson’s Creek to bring a new life into the world, and it’s a bit rude to suggest that she hasn’t thought of that.
People who are married with kids and single moms/dads sometimes speak to single childless people as if they are unable to grasp cause and effect. As if everyone who does have children carefully considered every possible impact that child would have on his/her life permanently.
It’s fine to tell Jodi that she’s still a fantastic person whether she has a baby or not, because she is, bar none. But talking to her like she’s 14 instead of the 35 year old independent, working, successful woman that she is and imply that she doesn’t have a concept of the impact a child might have on her existance is pretty uncool.
THAT BABY IS SO CUTE……………………………………. LOL
I’d lend you Mr. Man if you wanted – He makes lovely babies. But somehow I don’t think that’s what you had in mind.
BTW, I will let you know if we decide to put the 8 year old up for sale.
I’ll give $7.39 for the 8 year old and not a dime more.
Jodi, sometimes I really wonder if I wasn’t supposed to have kids because of volatile emotions, depression etc. It’s been a joy, but it’s also been a lot of hard, hard work. Sometimes I think it was me thinking that I wanted to experience what everyone else seems to be able to do with no problem. And also my delusional thinking that all would be love and kisses, just like I thought each time I got a new boyfriend, how wonderful our time together would be. You know how some of those relationships are not just happy fairy tales.
You know all the movies where people get a million dollars and think life will be wonderful, but they just end up hating all their friends and their life turns to shit?
You know the old saying about be careful what you ask for?
I can’t judge for you at all, but I can offer the advice that I took on a whole lot more than I anticipated and maybe it would have worked out to just let what is supposed to happen, happen, instead of fighting so hard to get what I thought I didn’t have.
In the meantime, I would also suggest, for what it’s worth, to just enjoy the little ones that are around you and be grateful that you can have you own sense of life after you leave them with their mommies and daddies. It’s nice to take a bath alone, to finish a sentence without being interrupted, to be able to concentrate on driving without stopping fights in the back seat, to go out for a drink with friends and not feel guilty or pay $20-$30 more on top for a baby sitter.
My comments may come off as totally harsh, but they are sincere, you like honesty so I gave you mine. I dared even though I left myself totally open to extreme criticism, but I think anyone who has kids will know partially where I’m coming from.
After Andrea Yates killed her children, Anna Quindlin wrote a really great article, I think in Newsweek, about how she understood how moms can go crazy. If you can find it with your super genius search skills, it might help.
I always appreciate honesty. My only question for you would be, if you had to do it all over again would you not have children?
Besides, I’m getting totally free babysitting from my sisters for life. They owe me.
I’ve asked myself that question and sometimes I think I would, sometimes not. So that doesn’t help you. It’s just really a hard job. And as you get older there is a greater chance of birth defects.
Being a single mom would be a lot harder as well. My daughter went through an anxiety/school phobia phase where she would scream and cry at the door to the 3rd grade classroom and not go in (my cousin my age had just died and it might have been associated with separation anxiety). We had to literally pick her up at home and carry her to the car to get her to go to school, drop her screaming at the classroom and then leave her, feeling like we were abandoning her, but that’s what it took to get her accustomed to it. All the other kids are staring at you like you are some kind of monster.
The school social worker was a single mom with a sensory integrated deficit daughter, her daughter couldn’t function without standing and turning in circles over and over to calm herself and things like that, lights at school bothered her, etc. She was a real challenge, the same thing with autistic children who seem to be born to pretty intelligent people, of which I think you are one.
I just want to let you know that it’s not all smiles and hugs, so at least if you end up in a situation like that you’ll know ahead of time that it could happen. Sorry for the doom and gloom, but that way you can make a more informed decision, because you already know about all the good stuff.
I appreciate the perspective. But I think these are the same issues everyone faces when they have children.
I find it odd that when a single woman says she wants to have a baby, that so many people rush to tell her how much work it is and how she’s not ready or aware of all the consequences. But a woman who is ensconced in couplehood is encouraged to jump right in to motherhood.
I know more than a few new mothers (all of whom are married) with far less experience with children then I have.
It’s frustrating that people, women specifically, feel the need to lecture and make me second-guess myself as if
1. I am jumping right out there to get knocked up today
2. I haven’t thought about the issue over and over and over again
The only person even being remotely supportive, is Kelly another a single woman. It’s weird that motherhood is such a divisive issue amongst women.
Actually I had these thoughts to write, as I came to the computer, even before I read your comment.
You do have a really great support system with your family and friends like Kelly and FFJ, and that’s right, no one knows what will pop out of their uterus or be placed into their arms.
Some folks think it’s okay for a 13 year old to have a baby and will rise to the task even though many kids aren’t aware of consequences at that age. And couples or parents keep trying to get their single friends married or to have children. It is a very private, independent choice.
Instead of everyone thinking that others should think like them or behave as they do or value what they do, we should be tolerant and respect each other’s individual rights. Immanuel Kant wrote about that and I believe it, but sometimes don’t follow it.
Anyway, what I wanted to say before was– I think you’d make a great mom, all the challenges I’ve faced in life teach me and have made me grow and be stronger.
You can write some helluva fantastic stories about motherhood as well as the ones you’re writing now. So face the future and trust in yourself. (there, now there’s a little balance to my input).
The one thing I know for sure is that Jodi has learned her lesson about talking about her desire for children on her blog.
There’s a huge division, apparently, between women with children and women without, just as there’s a huge division between married women and single women. It’s been my experience (and is being proved here, still, nearly a week later) that Women With (children, husbands, whatever) feel the NEED to give advice to Women Without. I don’t understand this. I don’t go around telling my Women With friends that maybe if they’d appreciated their singleness/childlessness more they wouldn’t be in such a bind now. I don’t feel compelled to educate other adult women unless they seek my counsel. Jodi, for the record, wasn’t asking for anyone’s advice or opinion; she was simply stating her desires which are the same as all Women With’s were at one point in time.
So why the lectures? If everyone who wanted children was “fully informed” no one would have them in the first place. But I think if you ask any Women With (and of course I, being a Woman Without can only speculate and I obviously don’t know anything because I am said Woman Without) I believe they would say that they love their children irregardless of disabilities, difficulties, sacrifices, and other “negatives” because they are their CHILDREN.
Are there people who shouldn’t be parents? Sure. Lots of Women With should probably be Women Without. Are there people who ran into having children without thinking about it? Absolutely. I commend Jodi on her waiting until she is solidly established as a single woman. She is no different than any of you who are trying to “help” her make an “informed decision”…no less intelligent, no less able to see both positives and negatives, no less able to love and care for a baby even if that baby isn’t “perfect.”
So please, even though everyone is just out to help, please try not to be so damn condescending. Jodi isn’t 18 years old. She doesn’t need to be talked down to, even out of concern, by people who supposedly “know better.”
Perhaps a more helpful approach would be “Gosh Jodi, it’s great that you want to have a child. You’d be an awesome mom because you’re a loving, caring woman who has lived a solid adulthood and is now ready to share that life with a child. Good for you. We could use more mothers like you in the world. I’ll be here to support you because having children isn’t easy and every mother needs all the help and support she can get from her family (spouse and otherwise) and friends. I hope that you find motherhood as joyous as I do; it’s an amazing experience.”
Sorry for what you consider lectures, I wrote because I wish I had been told some of the real hard facts that I only learned through experience. Everyone is entitled to their own experiences, it’s hard for people to realize that, that’s why moms can cause so much conflict for their kids, they aren’t trying to be controlling, they just want them to be happy and not make the same mistakes they did and suffer. take care, I knew my comments would be taken the way they were and I shouldn’t have even taken the time to try. Kelly you can learn it all for yourself.
Now that’s not fair. I said I appreciate your perspective, and I do. I also appreciate Kelly’s perspective too. There’s room for all the viewpoints here.
I think my frustration rises from the fact that people are trying to talk me out of a decision that I haven’t even made yet. Instead of either trying to allay my fears (which Danielle kind of did) or encourage me to do what it is I want, I felt like some of the moms were coming down with “you don’t know what the hell you’re getting yourself into silly girl” and that stings.
I even broke a long-standing iwilldare.com rule and let the Sisterclub read this thread, because I was that upset, and because I know they will support me in doing what I want no matter what.
Sisters #2 and #3 are my beacons of motherhood — So far Sister #2 has graduated Magna Cum Laude in Social Work and will have her Masters degree in May, all while raising two kids.
Sister #3 is steadily working toward her bachelors degree while raising 3 boys 5 and under.
Do they do this alone? HELL NO. They both have supportive husbands and a family that will babysit at the drop of a hat.
And I know that should I decide to have a child on my own they will be right there for me, and help out with any little supergenius while I continue to chase my writing dream.
Okay, I am late for work now. But I just wanted to tell you Betsy I still appreciate the sentiment of help and care behind your comments and your perspective.
You don’t have to kiss my ass to comment here on this site, and differing viewpoints are more the welcome (even when I’m being bratty and don’t want to hear them).
My feeling is that you have a far better than average idea of what parenting is all about, due to your avid aunting and your relationship with your sisters. The truth is that most of us are pretty clueless and we end up learning ‘on the job,’ so to speak.
You have much to offer a child, and I think that’s part of the longing. As Danielle said, you don’t have to wait for the perfect man. Your support system (family/friends) looks pretty awesome.
Also – life does go on, babies grow quickly, and freedom (to go out, take long baths, whatever) returns. I think you will be as great with teenagers are you are with the little kids in your life. You’ll be one of those cool, understanding moms. Really.
Jodi, thanks, it wasn’t you I was so much responding to, but rather Kelly’s caustic comments. Jodi, I know you asked me, and I responded, and you answered in a way that wasn’t jumping down anyone’s throat.
Anyway, I’m sorry again about being negative, and I know that Kelly was only supporting you, but all of a sudden I’m pigeon-holed into a single hating woman who is damn condescending, so I’ll just get over it.
Betsy, I don’t want to get into a pissing match here, and I never said that you were a “single hating woman.” I did not direct my comments at you; in fact I kept them fairly general and you’ll notice you were not the first person I responded to. But, if that’s how you interpret my comments and decide to take it personally, that’s on you.
I appreciate you granting me permission to learn my own lessons in life. You say that you “shouldn’t have even taken the time to try.” Ask yourself: try what? That’s my point. Jodi, me, any single women out there, we don’t need to be “taught” about how it is to be a mom. I don’t think that all the advice in the world, all the planning, all the forethought, can prepare someone for the experience of having a child. You said it yourself : “It is a very private, independent choice.”
Boy, am i wishing i’d said more in my first post.
If I’d had any idea of the condescending blather that would be dumped on Jodi and then Kelly, i would have thrown myself into the fray earlier.
So here goes. I know what it was like to make the decision at 32, single, and pregnant to become a mom. I also know what’s it’s like to have kids with a husband. I’m happy to share my perspective with anybody who asks. As of yet, no one has asked me. So speaking for married women everywhere—oh wait, no I’m not because I’m err, not every married woman. So, Jodi, Kelly, and any married with kids moms out there. Buy me beer at Grumpy’s and I ‘ll regale you with story after story about my lfe, and my kids, and my husband. It won’t get you any closer to your own personal decisions, but it will get me drunk.
Long time, hope all’s well, and, just because I am not above throwing fuel on a fire, here is a related topic for your consideration–
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leslie-bennetts/the-feminine-mistake_b_44690.html
Plan on Thursday night! We’ll get you your own private pitcher and I’ll tell Rob to keep the singing down until you’re good and loaded.