the phantom push up

you often hear about people who have lost a limb having phantom pains in whatever has been amputated. i’m having a little bit of that today myself. well, except for the loss of limbs.

i got my first pair of glasses when i was 13. i was having problems seeing the board in school and getting headaches from all the squinting. if there’s anything a 6-foot-tall fat 13-year-old needs to make life better, it’s glasses.

but, i kind of liked seeing so i never went through the jan brady, crashing my bike into the family picture because i’m too vain thing. nope, i wore my glasses dillegently and began to mark off the days until i could get contacts.

my parents had some totally arbitrary rule about having to wear glasses for a year before you could get contacts. i’m not sure why, but they did. so i waited a year or so and got contacts the minute they had tired of my ceaseless whining.

but i never quite gave up on the glasses, and as i got older and older i relied more and more on my glasses. in fact, since i turned 30, i became a part-time contact wearer. i usually only wear them in the summer. it gets too damn dry here in the winter and walking around feeling like you have potato chips in your eyes is really no fun at all.

yesterday when i went to the eye doctor to get some new specs, the doctor and i had a long conversation about why i don’t wear contacts in the winter. clearly the eye doctor does not know my parents, because the way he acted you would think i was the only person on earth who made up arbitrary contact lens rules.

well apparently since the last time i bought contacts (a few years ago) there has been a major scientific breakthrough in contact lens development. apparently these new contacts let more oxygen into your eyes making it feel less like you have potato chips in your eyes and more like you have two refreshing cool wet puddles in your eyes, or something like that. when i left last night with my two wet puddles firmly ensconced in my eyes, the doctor asked me to wear them for a week and come back. he wanted to know how they were treating me.

so today i’m sitting here with a naked face. it’s weird. i’ve been wearing my glasses for so long (pretty much non-stop since about mmm, september) that i feel as though i’ve forgotten something. and, apparently, my brain thinks i’ve forgotten something too. because i’ve pushed up my glasses about 74 times today. i keep trying to push them up even though they aren’t there. it’s really rather disconcerting.

plus, with my eyes so unprotected i feel like every single person can read my every thought.

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