i thought you knew where all of the elephants lie down

part of me hopes he’s in love and that’s why he hasn’t returned my phone calls or e-mails. i didn’t realize just how very much i missed the TTHM until the song “Dress Rehearsal Rag” came up in the iTunes party mix. i heard that early strumming of the guitar and as soon as i heard “it was 4 o’clock in the afternoon. . . ” i gasped.

i fumbled quickly for the mouse, to turn off the song. i opted instead for self’s “Microchip Girl,” but you know the needle and the damage done, only i don’t have a record player for the analogy to work. so i sucked it up and called him. i got the machine. i didn’t panic though, because i’m getting better at hating answering machines.

it’s weird, this sudden need to talk to him. i mean i haven’t talked to him in ages and it hasn’t really bothered me until this week. it started up at the cabin off of bloody hook lane. all that outdoorsyness made me think of him. and now, i think because i’m feeling really insecure lately and the sleep is not being my friend– i just sort of need to talk to him. i just need to be recalibrated and he’s pretty good at being that person for me.

and of course, because of the non-sleep and the insecurity, it’s really hard to keep the muck out. it’s hard to not start going through the list of people who have flitted through my life and left as quickly as they arrived. it gets me to wondering why i’m about as successful at keeping people in my life as i am at keeping water cupped in my hands. perhaps i squeeze too tightly.

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3 Comments

  1. FFJ 24.Sep.04 at 8:43 am

    i’m so bummed you didn’t mention any of this up there. i totally would have listened and comforted. my only advice now is to download some billiy squire and buy david sedaris’ new book.
    and call me if you need me.

    Reply
  2. jodi 24.Sep.04 at 9:17 am

    i don’t think i was really thinking about all this up there, it’s one of those that you think but don’t really realize you’re thinking. mostly this weekend i plan on sleeping (hopefully) watching mean girls and working on a story that i have to hand in on october 7th.

    Reply
  3. Damon 24.Sep.04 at 10:04 am

    I completely understand where you’re coming from. Almost a year ago now a long term relationship (a total of 7 years, with a 2 year break) had come to an end. It was incredibly sad, but final. We each went out separate ways, but…

    I remember sitting up late one night a few months ago, my mp3 player set on random, enjoying some book. All of a sudden “Freshmen” by the Verve Pipe comes on and I just lose it. Start weeping uncontrollably. It isn’t that she and I ever listened to the song – for all I know she’s never heard it before. But I spent the next three nights unable to sleep, down in the dumps.

    The two lessons I took from this:

    1) In the long run, it is good to feel these feelings. I think our minds have something akin to a pressure relief valve – if we keep things bottled up too long we have one of these moments so we can get it out of our subconscious and let our conscious help things along a bit. (Through talking with friends, family, etc)

    2) I setup a playlist in iTunes which includes any song which I may REMOTELY attach to some kind of melancholy. (Regardless of tempo) I then have the option of listening to it when I’m feeling like it, or adding it as a criteria to my other smart playlists – “Playlist is not ‘Melancholy'”

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend…maybe this just bubbled up to the surface BECAUSE you’re getting ready to write your story?

    Reply

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