my epic battle with loneliness is no secret. unlike what douglas coupland said when i heard him speak back in july, i write about it often. coupland had said that nobody wants to talk about loneliness. it turns people away, freezes them out. i would beg to differ on some level. i think people might not like to talk about loneliness, but they sure as hell love to read about it. perhaps it’s our collective dirty little secret.
the fact that i’m a Gemini should come as no surprise to anyone (only 69 days until my birthday). for people who put no faith at all into astrology, this means nothing. people who think their sun sign is oddly descriptive, will understand what i say when i claim i’m a typical Gemini. i have a dual-sided personality, anyone who has read iwilldare.com for more than a week could probably figure that out on their own.
it’s not always easy to hold two diametrically opposed ideas in your head. what’s worse is holding both those ideas and fully believing both of them with your whole heart– at the same time. it doens’t make much sense to a lot of people. but it does to me. it’s the way of life for me.
this doesn’t always make life so easy. because not only can i not explain what in the hell is going on inside my head, half the time i’m not even sure. i change my mind like the wind, and will state quite passionately what i believe only to change it 10 minutes later and believe what i’m saying now with just as much passion.
so here we got a lonely gemini. a lonely gemini whose best friend of all (out of friendboys and friendgirls) time is a TTHM. a TTHM who i’ve had quite romantic notions for in the past. being his friend is not always easy. being my friend is not always easy either.
for instance, we’re both lonely people. our friendship makes each of us a little less lonely, but it’s not the panacea half of me wishes it would be. for some reason, despite all logic, i just think he’s tall, i’m tall, he’s lonely, i’m lonely, i adore him, he adores me, we should be getting it on. logically, i know it doesn’t work that way. i know there are tons of other factors that make this not possible. i want kids, he doesn’t. i’m 31, he hasn’t been for some time. he doesn’t find me atttractive. all sorts of things that would make a romance impossible. which half of me completely gets and totally understands, most of the time.
but there are times when he’s talking about his loneliness about not ever getting another chance at love when i rage. because the irrational, romantic part of me just wants to scream, I’M RIGHT HERE you egotistical cocksucker. lots of time i just want to yell at him about how i have no sympathy because i was ready, willing and able and he didn’t want me. he turned down my love. therefore, he should get no one.
and there are still other times, when i’m talking about my loneliness and about not ever getting a chance at love when he tells me the things i need to hear. he tells me that he adores me, that i’m a vital part of his life, all those things i long to hear. he even tells me that he loves me. and sometimes, it’s all i can do to shout, “THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. this is not what i want. i want more. i want to hear that from someone else.”
see how this could make friendship difficult?
but somehow, we’re making it work. i don’t know quite how, but it’s working. and i’m so thankful for this working out that it reduces me to tears. really, there’s no point to all this. it’s just something that i wanted to say.