i only have to come to work nine more days until vacation. do you have any idea whatsoever how happy this makes me?
in other news, i have discovered that it really pisses me off to no end when someone online questions my gender, even in a joking manner. i have a really hard time reconciling my femininity (or lack there of) with my size.
from about the ages of nine to about thirteen, i was pretty sure god screwed up and i was supposed to be a boy. i knew of no other girls that were as big as me. only boys were supposed to be big, therefore i was meant to be a boy. i never had any feminine role models — none of the women on tv, in the movies, in the magazines looked like me. i didn’t look like my mom or any of my sisters. i knew, even as a teen, that i was never gonna look like a 5’6″ waif. so i had that going for me.
but still, nearly ten years after i reached my full height of 6’5″ i still have problems thinking of myself as an normal woman. i feel like i have to be braver and tougher, not as emotional. i have a hard time crying in front of people that aren’t my sisters.
it’s just frustrating because i’m just as feminine and womanly as most anyone else. and i’m pretty sure most other women just laugh off claims that they might be a man. but me, it just gets under my skin like nothing else.
ugh. people are so rude.
When I was about 10, I used to tuck my hair up under a ballcap and go to the arcade and play with the boys. My father used to introduce me as his son Tom. I used to get confused for a boy up until I turned 15 and the girls decided to make an appearance.
I’m 29 and I still have gender identity issues. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t. It really depends on who thinks I’m butch. For instance, lesbians crack me up and vapid airheads piss me off.
i’m pretty sure most other women just laugh off claims that they might be a man.
i don’t think most. at least not me. i don’t know why women have to be perceived as the 5’6 waif that wears cute pink, frilly clothes from the juniors dept at the gap.
i could go on and on. i really could. but i’ll just stop by saying “i feel ya” and “it’s lame” and “fuck ’em” because women that aren’t 5’6 waifs are women, too.
i am glad i’m not the only who deals with her femininity or lack thereof. it makes me feel better.
it makes me feel better, too. it’s always good to know i’m not the only one.
Thank you so much for this entry, Jodi. I feel like you’ve just described my own experience growing up as a tall girl (and living as a 6’3” woman today).
I still subconsciously avoid doing or saying certain things because I don’t feel feminine enough for them. When I realize that, it hurts.
I still have to remind myself from time to time that I’m a woman. And that makes me sad.
Like you said, it gets under my skin like nothing else.
I was tall as a kid, and heavy, too. I used to play softball and had short hair. I was wearing my baseball cap once, and some man called me son! I started growing my hair that day and it’s never been short since.
I think most women who are outside the standard conventions of beauty deal with issues of femininity. I know I have a hard time feeling feminine sometimes, but it’s getting better as I get older and start accepting myself as I am.