one overriding question

there are some things i just don’t understand. there are some things i just won’t ever understand.

when i was in college ben jones told me once that i had a boundless capacity for love. he said it was amazing and some other stuff i was too drunk to remember.

but he was so very, very right. i do have a boundless capacity for love. i think it’s one of my better facets. i am an affectionate person, perhaps too much so. i like to be honest, especially when it’s about how i feel about someone or how they make me feel.

so what i don’t understand is why people aren’t so accepting of such affection. is it me? am i so abhorrent that people don’t want to be loved by me? could that be the case?

i can understand how people might not want to or be able to return such affection. but why wouldn’t you want it? why would someone turn away something so pure and unselfish? hell i crave affection like there’s not tomorrow and perhaps that’s why this whole thing just boggles my mind.

sadly, tonight there is much crying in baseball.

(Visited 20 times, 1 visits today)

3 Comments

  1. andrea 12.Mar.02 at 9:58 pm

    a lot of people turn away affection when they feel they don’t deserve it, or they feel guilty if they can’t return it so they’re uncomfortable about accepting it from others. it’s really very crappy. i was that way for a long time and it was no fun. ultimately, it’s their loss but that doesn’t make it any less sucky for you.

    *hug*

  2. tyson 13.Mar.02 at 12:35 am

    andrea speaks much wisdom.

  3. concerned 13.Mar.02 at 12:36 am

    i’m glad you’re feeling better, and i don’t wish to upset you. but i’ve been reading your site for some time now and it really seems like this is a pattern. bursts of self-loathing followed a dismissal of those feelings. it’s good that you can shake these things off, but how many times need the pattern repeat before you look for another solution? i’m not saying i have any idea what’s behind how you feel, but i do know something about holding patterns, and it seems like you’re in one. and things like these can go on for years, or forever.

    i like you. i wish for happiness for you. don’t you think it might be time to try out a little therapy? i understand the minnesota mentality and i’m not saying you’re crazy or anything bad. but it might give you a chance to look at things more objectively in a safe environment. and you can stop any time you feel like it. and isn’t it worth a try? i’m not saying it solves all the problems of the world, but you seem introspective enough that you’d be a good candidate. maybe at least consider it? it’s not that scary. and it could be what helps you to move forward.

    so, yes, obviously i’m overstepping my bounds (and doing so in the cowardly realm of anonymity), but my intentions are good. and if you feel some sort of stigma, you can always play it that therapy is a self-indulgent luxury of the bored, like having a masseuse.

    i’ll be rooting for you, jodi– therapy or not.

    and if you do go, i’d print out a copy of your fancy apartment dream, verbatim, and bring that along. you have some pretty interesting phrasing in there.

    take good care.