Dear Senators Wellstone and Dayton,
I know you’re a little busy what with this war on terrorism and all the anthrax nonsense. But I’d like to bring to your attention an issue that will effect our country long after Osama has been brought to justice.
The issue facing our nation is sweatpants. I will save the mullet letter for another day. Today we must discuss sweatpants and how they should not be allowed to exist outside one’s area of residence.
Isn’t there some sort of legislation that can be passed forcing sweatpants makers to include a safety switch of some sort within the actual material of the pants? Couldn’t we make it so the pants spontaneously combust when the wearer ventures out of their domain? Is there a way to allow the pants to immediately drop to the offending-wearers ankles when they are in public, with no way to get them to stay up?
Really, there must be something with can do about this terrible affront to all that is good, common and American. We must no longer stand idly by while a few fashion-impaired individuals make a mockery of all that is decent.
I implore you honorable Senators to do something about this atrocity. I’ll be organizing a lobbying effort with Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein and some friends from work. We have the ability to contribute mucho dinero to your re-election efforts. You know that Norm might be a tough opponent to beat.
Just think of the votes you can garner from the fashion industry by outlawing these terrible pieces of cloth.
I thank you for your time.
Prior Lake, MN