last night i dreamt that my nearly four-year-old niece jaycie died. at least i think it was jaycie who died. i am not entirely sure now. it might have been my grammu. i woke up sobbing. it was wretched. the entire dream was odd.

in the dream my entire family was living in our old house in chippewa falls, wisconsin. but more than that lisa and ella, two of my co-workers were there. lisa was asking if ella and i could rennovate the church attached to the house for $100,000. ella was adamant that we couldn’t do it.

then sister #2 came in and broke the news of jaycie’s death. apparently she had drowned in a pool or bathtub. i went numb. sister #3 was crying. sister #2 was handling it quite well. i was in total denial. max was there and he looked so lost. but then jaycie was there sitting next to me, in the church attached to the house.

we were alone in the church, just jaycie and i. we were talking and what not. she was her usual happy self. she didn’t seem dead at all. we sat in the pews for a long time, playing. then i knew it was time so holding hands we walked up the center aisle of the church towards the front doors. i threw open the doors and there was a crowd of people. a lot of the people i work with. i remember thinking, “wow, the techdoofs are all wearing suits.”

sister #4 was in the crowd, standing next to sister #2, and said, “she’s been in there the whole time!” for some reason i vaguely remember my grammu being in the casket at the front of the church.

i walked down the steps of the church, holding jaycie’s hand. the crowd parted and jaycie i walked through them. we were going to get ready for the funeral. we walked down the sidewalk towards the house. as we were walking up the steps, i noticed two little girls ride by on scooters. one was wearing white, the other black. i could only see the backs of their heads. they both had red hair.

as jaycie and i continued to walk up the steps, i noticed she was barefoot and the steps were covered in snowy slush. i asked her if her feet were cold and she said no.

we got into the house and went up to my old bedroom to get dressed for the funeral. she was laughing. i just remember putting a brush through my dirty hair and just being heartbroken.

then i woke up.