i have a hard time asking for help. i don’t know why. deep down i see asking for help as a weakness of some sort. i don’t want to be seen as weak. i want people to know that i am strong and independent. i want them to see that i am enough, that i don’t need anyone. yeah, it’s pretty much bullshit, i know.
last night, i hurt myself. it was swift and exact and the pain took my breath away. it was all so sudden, i didn’t know what to do. i thought about calling my best friend kari or sister #3, but it was at a time in the night where if my apartment wasn’t on fire they were gonna be pissed that i called.
but heather was there. and i asked her for help and she helped (bah, i am getting all watery eyed just thinking about it). she just listened to me vent and commiserated with me. and it was wonderful. she told me that i was fabulous and not stupid and that i need to leave scabs alone.
it was really difficult. asking her to listen saved me though. it saved me from a night of sobbing endlessly in my bed. i didn’t even cry, not at all. i didn’t sleep either, but that cannot be helped.
i guess i’ve learned that it takes a much stronger person to ask for help than to just go it alone as if it doesn’t even hurt.
thank you heather, you made what could have turned into a painful night, not so painful.
p.s. from an e-mail i sent to my friend keith:
nah, i’m not down. just a little sore. it’s ok, i’ll be fine. i’m just frustrated mostly. i mean, why does he get to be the jackass and break my heart and then get an ex-stripper girlfriend in canada out of the deal and all i get is loneliness and a fucking achy heart?
Trust me, I’ve known some ex-strippers; You’ve gotten the better end of the deal. He’ll wind up spending lots of his money and winding up with a broken heart himself, and when he turns to you, you’ll have neighbor-pacey or some other beau write him a scathing email about how pieces of shit should go lay in the yard.
actually i fluctuate between hoping she breaks his heart to hoping that he’s really very happy with her and marries her and has big, fat orange haired babies so he never has the chance to hurt someone like he hurt me.
Thank you for turning to Heather, because what would we do without you?
I have to admit I know next to nothing about the man who broke your heart. I’m just thinking he can’t be the man you thought he was, given what he did.
Someone more worthy will appear in your life, I just know it.
as i told you last night, jodi chromey, that’s what friends are for.
p.s. now i’m all teary-eyed! *sniff*
She’ll break his heart AND have big fat orange haired baby girls with him. Then, as a single dad, he’ll have to console those girls when bastards like him break their hearts.
how do you do that? how do you externalize stuff so well? to just make it all his fault and no fault and/or deficiency on my part? i just wish i could do that better. is it just low self-esteem? is that why i blame myself for it not working and not him?
You blame yourself because you’re THAT close to the situation. From an objective viewpoint, we can see he did you wrong.
It’s like being in a car accident; You mull it over and over how you could have avoided it, somehow thinking your own driving skills were negligent even thought you were driving perfectly.
Could you have avoided being hurt? Maybe. Perhaps you could have taken everything he said as a lie from the beginning and made him prove his real feelings at every turn, but then that wouldn’t be a real relationship either. That wouldn’t have been YOU.
Time will pass, new love will ease the hurt, and you’ll be happy. Mark my words; You deserve happiness and love.