the email i didn’t send:

you said i could ask you when i needed something. but do you have any idea how hard it is to ask someone to care? umm, yes excuse me, i hate to be a bother. but if you aren’t too busy, would you mind caring about me? yeah, not for too long just for a little bit. yeah, you could do that for me? oh thanks!

see? it doesn’t work so well.

and tonight that’s what i needed. i needed someone to care– and really that’s just not something you should have to ask people to do. i just needed someone to want to talk to me tonight. i can usually do ok through the daylight hours, passing the time by myself. but once the sun sets and i haven’t spoken to anyone for an entire day, it starts to wear on me. and i should know now that i have to get out at least once a day. i have to speak to someone even if it’s a cashier at a store.

so i really just wanted someone to spontaneously call me and see how i was doing. being quiet is not my natural state. i’m only quiet when i am sad, angry or upset. if you ask chances are i’ll just pass it off as being tired. the only one who could ever see through my tired-bullshit was my college roommate shelley. she’d get so angry. . . “i know something’s wrong and don’t give me that damn ‘i’m tired’ line.”

and now doesn’t this just all sound so incredibly selfish? yes, it does. it IS incredibly selfish and this is why i don’t ask for help.