Dear Darling Ones,

My sisters often tease me about what a loud blabbermouth I turn into when I’m anxious. It’s a weird habit for a generally shy introvert.

However, I grew up in an emotionally-volatile family and silence was often a prelude to an explosion of some kind, sometimes it led to violence. I’ll never forget being knocked into a wall at my Grandma Chromey’s apartment when my dad and his siblings got into an argument that ended in a physical fight.

My dad loved to use the silent treatment when he was angry. In my head and body, silence = violence. Whenever I encounter an awkward silence I fill that void, even if the silence is normal, when people aren’t expected to talk.

This makes a lot people believe I’m an outgoing extrovert. Not true! It’s just that I abhor awkward silences more than I value staying quiet and unnoticed.

When I went to the dentist a few months ago Sister #2 said, “You were so loud and laughing so much I thought, ‘Oh, she’s so anxious.’”

It’s an annoying affliction because in the moment I know I’m blathering on. My brain is screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, but my fight or flight response is all, “fuck off.”

The babbling has, of course, only gotten worse since the stroke robbed me of my balance and ability to walk. Always acutely aware of my towering height and enormous size, I’ve now added a wobbly, lurching stomp accompanied by a giant walker (used for very short distances) making my in public anxiety skyrocket.

To show you what I mean, I present you an abridged list of everything I told the woman who cut my hair Thursday.

• I shaved my head bald on & off from 2018-2023.
• I did the shave/grow out thing once because I wanted to try it, once because of COVID, and once because I had a stroke.
• My goal is to have Belinda Carlisle “Mad About You” hair.
• Thick hair runs in my family.
• So does curly hair.
• My biological father was 6’3″ and my mom is 5’10”
• 5’8″ Sister #2 laughs when she people tell her she’s tall.
• My dad was 5’7″ on a very good day.
• When I had a sleep study the wires they put on people’s legs were too short for me so they improvised.
• And the bed was too short.
• My right side was affected by the stroke.
• I have a tremor and a lot of heaviness on my right side.
• Yes, that’s the tallest walker a lot of people have seen.
• NONE of the six male first responders believed me when I told them I had a stroke and a friend had to take me to the hospital.
• Women need to advocate for themselves because men don’t believe our pain.

I did learn a bit about her. She has a brother and three kids She and her husband redid their basement and now their 6’5″ friend Matt can’t walk through it without hunching.

Gah, I am the worst.

Blabberingly yours,
Jodi