Hello Darling Ones,

Last night I finished Unshrinking: How to Face Fatphobia by philosopher Kate Manne. It’s one of those books that should be required reading for all humans. I’d also include Black AF History: The Un-Whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriot and probably, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood by Marjane Satrapi.

I enjoyed Manne’s book a lot, even if I didn’t learn a ton. Having lived in a fat body my entire life I’m familiar with the insidiousness of fatphobia. I know about the failure of diets and the damage they do to our bodies, how long term weight loss is unsustainable. I know what it’s like to exist in a world where you literally do not fit.

While I did not learn a lot of new-to-me-information, the book did spur some internal debate and helped me clarify some of my thinking regarding losing weight, specifically my own weightless.

Darling Ones, I’ve been on Ozempic for about 12 weeks now. I owe nobody who reads here any information about my health, my body, my life, I know this, and yet I feel like I’ve been hiding a dirt secret.

There is no small amount of shame that comes with being fat, obviously. My battles with my body and with fatphobia have been well-chronicled in these pixels. I feel like I had finally reached a detente with my body and its size. Or maybe I was slowly creeping up on detente.

But then my brain had to go betray me and everything went out the door.

I’ve been so preoccupied with working on recovering from the stroke that I don’t spend a lot time wallowing in shame for staying away from healthcare for so long due to, well, body shame. I will forever be grateful to my Nurse Practitioner for never, not ever making me feel ashamed for being fat. She’s only shamed for one thing thus far, being too hard on myself. This is why I continue to see her every three months to stay on track of my overall health and recovery.

It may seem surprising, but I approached her about taking Ozempic.

Here’s why: my goal is to walk without a walker and if I’m so fortunate I’d love to walk and carry things at the same time again. I’m willing to do nearly anything to make that happen. Nearly. I’m unwilling, right now, to get my knees replaced. I’m too afraid of having another stroke during surgery.

What’s any of this got to do with losing weight?

Right now I got a host of things working against me: right-side heaviness from the stroke, a tremor that pops up periodically, neuropathy in my feet, distorted vision from the macular edema, general balance issues from the stroke, and chronic pain in my knees from arthritis. There might be more, but I can’t think of them.

When I saw the knee guy last year he said weightless would help with the pain. He said every pound I lose would mean 8 pounds of pressure off my knees.

Because I’ve lived in a fat body my entire life, weightloss has always been suggested as the cure for whatever ails me. So, of course, I ignored him. It’s not like I haven tried to lose weight for the past 48 years (I was put on my first diet medically-prescribed diet when I was four).

Then I started pool therapy and hot damn! that changed everything. When I was nearly weightless in the water, my knees didn’t bother me. I could stand and walk and exercise. It was glorious (and I miss it).

Maybe, I realized, there is something to the knee guy’s weightloss theory. So I talked about Ozempic with my NP. It was a little dicey at first because she wasn’t sure insurance would cover it. My diabetes has been well-controlled with insulin since I found out I had it (my A1C has been below 6 since May 2023). But she worked her magic and I’ve been on it for three months. My body has adapted well, unlike the Victoza insurance wanted me to use.

This will not become a diary of my “weightloss journey.” Diet culture is toxic bullshit. And I hate it. Fatphobia is a real thing that kills people and diminishes quality of life. These are all facts. Which is why I’m going through no small amount of inner strife over this decision. But I’ve set a goal and I really love meeting my goals.

Love,
Jodi

P.S. I forget to mention it’s working in all the ways it’s supposed to and I’ll be off inulin sometime next week.