My Aching Spirit

Hi Darling Ones,

When the Anger Stage of grief set in I didn’t expect it to be a free-floating sort of annoyance that plagues my every waking minute.

The Anger Stage of grieving was supposed to involve fist-shaking at the clouds, “ohh, I’m angry these people* I loved died.” Mine is nothing like that. I’m angry all the time about everything.

I can’t remember what I pinned the anger to yesterday, but today it’s the motherfucker who ding-donged my doorbell at 8:57 a.m. while I was still vaguely asleep. I have not been sleeping well. Shocking.

As much as I would love to talk about the myriad and absurd ways all this grief anger is popping up in my daily life, I’m gonna talk about music instead.

The day Danny died I did not listen to a single note of music. And it wasn’t in a “don’t ruin John Cougar Mellencamp” kind of way. My goal was to not think as much as possible. I wanted zero thoughts, and since music makes me think all the time there was zero music.

It was hard.

Since then I have listened to the Plains’ “I Walked With You A Ways.” I like the symmetry of how Waxahatchee made me feel like myself after my dad died, and how it’s her voice that is cooling some of my white-hot rage.

This record is stunning and if you’re are in the midst of grief, I cannot recommend it highly enough. The lyrics to that title track simultaneously wreck me and soothe my aching spirit.

Cause people come and go. There is a season for each one. They change your heart, and then it’s done. Well, I’ll be better all my days, cause I walked with you a ways.

I cry just transcribing it. While I’m pretty sure they’re singing about a breakup, the sentiment applies perfectly to death.

This record is amazing front to back, but I really love the B-side where every song seems to be talking to me specifically. Witness:

Bellafatima: And she came along like a ravenous song, so hungry for someone to sing.
Last 2 on Earth: You can take that sin to battle, but you can’t make it fight.
Easy: And you’re not gonna believe it, when you shake off what’s weighing you down heavily, but it’s not gonna be easy.
No Record of Wrongs: This aching spirit’s gotta mend before I let you in.

You pair this writing with the stunning voices and harmonies of Katie Crutchfield and Jess Williamson and you cannot go wrong. It’s hard to remain angry in the face of such beauty.

And yet, sometimes I have to turn the music off and then I go right back to the anger.

This whole ordeal is 0% fun, Darling Ones and I cannot wait to be over it all.


* If you haven’t been around lately here’s the deal: my Dad died September 16th and my Uncle Danny died October 29th. The grief is unrelenting right now.

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Everything the light touches is my kingdom. Well, at least where this website is concerned. There's an about me section if you are so inclined to know things. All the posts were written by me. I have a lot of words.

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