How to Prepare for a Snownado

Dear Darling Ones,

As I type it is 57º in Shakopee, Minnesota on this the 15th day of December in the year 2021. Future Darling Ones may read that sentence and be all, no bigs, so it’s a little chilly in Minnesota in December, that happens sometimes. Oh, Future Darling Ones, I’m so sorry about the hellscape you inherited. It sucks. Back in the olden days Minnesota was consistently cold and snowy in the winter. Now, in the year 2021 it is chaos. We got 12+ inches of snow in Shakopee on December 10th. Tomorrow the high temperature is supposed to be 24º.

There are severe thunderstorms and tornadoes forecasted for this evening. Weather people are losing their shit. It’s actually kind of charming while also being spooky.

Shit is weird today Future & Present Darling Ones. bell hooks died. A story about a cat named Jorts took over the entire Internet. And then there’s this weather.

I don’t read a lot of dystopian/speculative/sci-fi books. It’s not my jam. However, from what I have read all those author nailed the weird, rapidly changing weather. This is also not my jam.

And of all the weather-related jams that are not mine, tornadoes are the most not my jam. All phrases relating to whether or not things are my jam, are my jam.

I’ve had tornado anxiety since I was a kid. I’ve mostly grown out of it and the weather has to get super creepy for me to get my hackles up. And guess what Darling Ones everywhere on the time-space continuum? The weather is super creepy right now.

So here’s my advice on how to prepare for a snownado, as the middle-aged people of the internet say, your mileage may vary.

  • Sleep in as much as possible and grumble loudly about how you’re fucking trying to sleep while everyone in the nation appears to be texting you.
  • Upon accepting that sleeping time is over, exercise while listening to the latest ep of your podcast which is not a podcast you make but rather the only one you listen to.
  • Skip the shower because you don’t feel that grody.
  • Listen to your new favorite song, Joy Oladokun’s “sorry isn’t good enough” about 12 times.
  • Go to the grocery store to stock up on all the donuts and most of the coffee creamer. While you’re out start gathering all the provisions for Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas brunch, and Rock & Roll Bookclub Dirty Santa. Holiday parties do not stop for snownadoes.
  • Start writing this list until you feel a nap coming on.
  • Charge your phone & Angrboda. Take that nap.
  • Wake and ponder if the noise outside is melting snow dripping off the roof or if it has begun to rain.
  • Doomscroll through twitter, which is utter chaos. The vibes are off, Darling Ones.
  • Take a picture of your front yard so you can show the contrast and also the annoying as fuck Christmas lights the new Fence-y neighbors used to decorate their kids’ play structure. Feel super Grinch-like because you hate those lights. They shine right into your bedroom and it’s like the episode of “Seinfeld” when the Kenny Rogers’ Roasters sign illuminates Kramer’s bedroom.
  • While standing in the doorway eye your tree warily and ask it politely to not fall over and if it needs to fall over to do it anywhere but the front window.
  • Listen to the entire Joy Oladokun record. Again.
  • Finish typing this list while pondering what to have for dinner.
  • Ask Mother Nature to chill out with the weirdness and keep everyone safe.

As ready as I’m gonna be,

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