How to be suspicious

  1. Start out a little shiny because you’re covered in a thin film of sweat which is not your fault really, it’s just that you’re inappropriately dressed and it’s early spring when no business seems to be able to properly adjust the inside temperature
  2. Go up to the pharmacy at Target with the little card for 30 capsules of the good Claritin-D
  3. When the pharmacy waif says they’re out of the 12-hour jump at the chance for the 24-hour
  4. Ask if they have the generic version and when she says hands you a box of 15 capsules, as if they have a package that contains more
  5. When 15 is the most you can get, take the 15-dose box and ask how often you can buy allergy medication before you get in trouble
  6. Wipe the sweat from your brow watch the waif hold her breath as she runs your ID
  7. Ask again how long you have to wait until you can buy it again
  8. Listen as she tells you that she doesn’t know but there is a number you can call if your ID is rejected, tell her calling the number wouldn’t make you seem suspicious at all
  9. Try to explain to her raised eyebrows that you have allergies and they suck
  10. Leave feeling like a moron
(Visited 34 times, 1 visits today)


  1. Doug 18.Apr.10 at 11:55 pm

    My wife goes through the same thing. Sometimes I buy it with my ID so it makes her look less like she’s a meth manufacturer (or whatever would be the appropriate term for that line of… work).

    People with allergies almost have to get married just to have an accomplice.

  2. Kevin Fenton 19.Apr.10 at 7:40 am

    I have occasional sinus trouble which requires the poetically named Mucinex D which requires the whole show i.d., sign your name, and all but agree to insert a tracking chip. It sucks, although I understand the reason for it.

  3. kim 19.Apr.10 at 10:14 am

    Not long after moving to Chicago, I tried to get some 12-hour Sudafed for a cold I had picked up. I had to convince the pharmacy staff that my four-days expired license should still be good and I had the Yellow Sheet of Proof that I renewed said expired, out-of-state license. All while congested and with bright red allergy eyes. At 9:45 at night. I got what I needed, but I never went to that Osco again.

  4. Jodi 19.Apr.10 at 10:22 am

    A good accomplice would probably be the only reason I’d get married.


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