Oftentimes I am reticent to talk about family problems on I Will Dare. Inevitably, I will get some ill-informed, unasked for advice that will piss me off. Everyone knows that all families are psychotic in a wholly unique way. To fully explain in the inner dynamics would take hundreds of thousands of words and probably exhaust me to death.

Let’s just say Father’s Day is a tough one. It leaves me incapacitated with anxiety and anger and dread and love — all the things family brings out in us.

So instead of talking about what has been foremost on my mind this weekend, I will talk about that which is a close second.

Ziggy.

My iPhone arrived Friday morning while I was at Walgreens buying squirt guns with Max and Nolan. Figures. I had all the kidlings over for an iPhone Pizza Party that featured homemade crowns. The crown they made for me was some sort of protest against the deliciousness of brownies and featured a rainbow-barfing robot. If it’s still around I will take pictures. It’s impressive.

So Ziggy, named after the computer from Quantum Leap and not for Stardust, Marley, or the little bald cartoon guy. I don’t think I have felt love like this for a gadget since Roland, my very first iPod. I love him so much I wish I talked on the phone more. Actually I’ve had to resist the urge to call everyone whose phone number I have, just to spend more time with Ziggy. Okay, really I just want to say “Call Blah” and see if he actually calls Blah.

He doesn’t seem to recognize my thick Minnesotan accent. I say, “Play Jackson Browne” only to hear Fanfarlo. Last night, I begged him to play Blitzen Trapper. He played The New Pornographers.

But other than that, he’s been an absolute dream. The best purchase I’ve made in a long, long time.