The Diet Cherry Pepsi she likes to drink is in my fridge. Her clothes are sitting on the floor of my master bedroom. And now I’m sitting in my cube poking the sleeve of my sweatshirt into the corners of my eyes, hoping it will absorb the tears before they fall. For once, I am thankful that, for various reasons, nearly all my co-workers are out of the office
She called last night while I was with my writing group. Crying, she asked if she could spend the night and if I’d changed the garage’s security code. By the time I got home, she was already in bed. I haven’t talked to her. She was gone when I woke up at 7 this morning.
What I can discern from various sources is that there was an ultimatum issued forth and she chose to leave. She left her house and her husband and her kids, and holed up in my master bedroom.
If she’s the one getting divorced, why am I the emotional wreck?
I’m so unsure what to do. I don’t know how to approach her and it doesn’t help that I’m so damn angry I can hardly stand myself.
Marriage is a completely foreign world to me. I don’t even pretend to understand how the whole thing works. So, I’m operating from a completely naive point of view. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so single for so very long and I know how hard that kind of lifestyle is.
Sure it sounds glamorous, what with all the sex with different people and the freewheeling partying and whatnot. But really, it’s tough to have to be wholly self-reliant all the time (as I’m sure it’s just as tough to have people rely on you all the time, it’s just different kinds of tough).
When people say things like “I just don’t want to be married anymore,” “there’s nothing here worth saving,” all I hear is “gleepin gloppin globin, blah blah blah.” I don’t even know what those words mean. To think that someone would just walk away from a marriage, break up a family, without doing everything in their power, blows my mind. And it makes me angry.
I’ve talked openly with my sisters about my loneliness and how hard it is to find someone. I would like to think that my candor with that kind of pain would have some sort of impact on them.
So now I have her soda pop in my fridge and I get to go home to my house and sit in a coat of tension waiting for her to arrive. I only hope that I can find the courage to ask her all the questions that are making my stomach hurt and my eyes water.
I strongly suggest that she not leave the kids with the husband, she may have a really hard time getting them back. Ultimatums are a power trip, there’s a compromise somewhere in the middle. Tell her to get home and sleep on her couch or in her basement, don’t leave her kids, I’m serious.
Divorce is so hard under any conditions; with or without children. Your sister needs you now, even if it means just to be there not saying a word or bomb barding her with questions. If and when she wants to talk, she will; give her the time and space she needs. The worst thing you can do at this point is to take ‘sides’. Too many times relatives will bash the in-law, and then the couple will get back together and your relative will remember everything you said against her spouse. Just be there; that’s the best thing you can do.
i know how close you are to the sibs, and that this has been tough on you, from both sides. with my brother, and all that bullshit, whenever i say “what about the kids?” that always brings him around. make sure the kiddies are ok – they are the ones that are getting the short end of the stick here. you sister and her husband are adults – they should act like adults and try to solve this themselves – go to therapy or something. but kids are left with what ever residue their parents leave behind because they aren’t old enough to control the situation. tell your sister she needs to figure out what the hell she wants and you’ll support her doing that by making sure the kiddies are ok. i’d drink that diet cherry soda with some capitan morgan.
Aww, Jodi. You had your house to yourself for such a brief moment! Gah. Having been the sibling on the brink of divorce, I’d suggest listening when asked and otherwise remaining neutral. Whatever happens, don’t cast judgment or take sides. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes you need space to grow and change. We worked it out, and things are ten times better than I ever could’ve imagined back in those dark days when I was the one saying, “I just don’t want to be married any more.”
Minnesota loves kids with their moms, she won’t have trouble.
The situation sucks, no question. Be what she needs you to be, but put a cap on it–Supergenius Headquarters is your domain.
Thanks. It’s breaking my heart and I try not to think about it all too much or it makes me cry. And I’m kind of tired of crying about a situation that is not mine.
She e-mailed me this afternoon and apologized for imposing and promised to spend the entire night in the room so she wouldn’t bother me.
that made me cry too.
it just all sucks.
I think before she slugs off to the room there should be some massive consumption of ice cream and at least two hours of Sex and the City….or whatever Marrieds watch when they’re depressed.
She must be very frightened and depressed. The first thing she needs is to get her med situation resolved. Her doc should be notified first thing. My prayers are with her.
All states put the best interest of the children as the measure of what is determined for custody. If the children are residing in the family home with the father and the mother has left, when it comes time for temporary orders, in order to keep the kids in as stable an environment as possible, they keep them where they are in the situation they are in. I strongly suggest if she thinks she should move out of the house without the kids that she talk to a Minnesota lawyer first, don’t rely on well intentioned friends’ advice.
wow…i can’t even remember how i stumbled across your blog. i just got out of that situation (your sister’s) and i really advise that if she intends on getting custody in the future, they REALLY should be with her. we live in a society that deems non-custodial mothers (even if by choice) as pariahs. trust me, i know.
anyway…great blog!