and sometimes your life really does seem like some sort of weird tv movie

a little over a year ago i wrote a piece on bittersweetheart about being an ugly 8th grader. the whole thing was inspired by reading Lucy Grealy’s Autobiography of a Face. on bittersweetheart i talked about a boy who teased me mercilessly in junior high.

here’s where it gets all tv movie like.

earlier today a woman who is married to a friend of justin, the teaser, left a comment here. then she e-mailed me. she told me how justin has changed tremendously. she told me that he feels absolutely horrible and wants to make it up to me. she told me that one of my tormentors had just died in july.

and i’m left thinking ‘what the fuck?’ WHAT THE FUCK?!

what in the hell am i supposed to do? this blows. because there’s a part of me that thinks, there is no way he can make it up to me. he could apologize and i would say ‘oh it’s ok.’ but it’s not okay, because my whole life i’ve been an ugly 8th grader. and even though i’m 33, the thought of junior high can still bring tears to my eyes. that’s the part of me that is secretly deep-down inside happy that he feels horrible. he should feel horrible. what he did was horrible.

but then there’s the part of me that knows he is probably not that mean 8th grader anymore. and how can you hold a 33-year-old man accountable for something he did nearly 20 years ago? how can you not? who the hell knows?

then there’s the part of me that’s just so damn curious that i can hardly resist replying.

then there’s the part of me that thinks it’s terribly rude to just leave her hanging.

and then there’s the biggest part of me who just doesn’t want to deal with any of it. just seeing that e-mail in my inbox makes me want to throw up. when i wrote the ugly 8th grader i wrote it just so i could get it out of me. a lot of times i write just to get the junk out of me so i don’t have to deal with it anymore. and i really don’t want to deal with this anymore. i’m so tired of being the ugly 8th grader.

blech. it all makes me just want to go to bed and cry.

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  1. wes 24.Nov.05 at 1:55 am

    I was mistreated by my peers all through school (actually not all through – 4th grade up, after moving from TX to WA), but I also mistreated others. A lot. I was a big person so of course that made me a target, but it also made me just as much an oppressor. I could not imagine what one of my bullies could do to “make it up to me” any more than I could imagine what I could do to “make it up to” anyone I bullied. It’s a bad situation from every angle. And it doesn’t help much to realize that kids act that way because someone did the same to them. I believe if I were in your situation, I would bury my head in the sand until it went away. Your mileage may vary.

  2. Charles 25.Nov.05 at 8:18 am

    I would just see what the guy has to say…just out of curiosity I guess. Maybe there will be something can be gleaned from it. I can’t believe I used the word gleaned. I gotta get back North. I don’t think I even used it right. Oh, well. We come as we are here, right?

  3. Thomas 28.Nov.05 at 9:19 am

    The only thing he could do to make up for it is to invent a way-back machine and prevent his assholeness in the first place.

    People make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. Yes, he feels bad now. Good for him. It shows he had grown as a person. He still was a Jr. High asshole. He’s the one who has to deal with his legacy.

    It sounds like he’s got more to gain from this than you do.


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