way back when we used to be cool, Mel, ChiliD, and I used to play the island game. this was a game where you got to populate some tropical island with six to ten people you’d like to spend a lot of intimate time with. we had great gobs of fun playing the game, because Mel was really bad at it, so ChiliD and i would just populate her island with people like FreakShow Sam from our writing class.
anyway, last night while i was talking to The Reporter we got to talking about being big dorky fans (he of dyland, me of st. paul). at one point i made the announcement that, “i’m not a starfucker.”
“that guy’s hardly a star,” the reporter said.
“well, you know what i mean,” i said.
“would you have sex with paul?”
“what? you’d reject paul?”
“one he’d never want to have sex with me. and two he’s a tiny little man. i think i would break him.”
“so who would you have sex with?”
i paused here, because i really had to think about. especially because i knew the unsaid rule was clearly, “which famous musicians would you have sex with?”
after a bit i said, “mike doughty and, uh, ted leo.”
“mike doughty from soul coughing and ted leo from the pharmacists?” he asked.
“well you could probably have sex with them,” he said.
“well, it’s not like you’re shooting for the top of the rockstar heap,” he said.
“well it’s not like i’m going to have sex with mick jagger,” i said.
“bob in 1960something, yes,” i said. “now, no way he probably has a saggy old man butt. and i am afraid of saggy old man butts.”
“no bruce? wow. how about bono?”
“no,” i said.
“that’s good, he’d probably just try to save you. michael stipe?”
“how about jeff tweedy?”
“oh yeah. . . jeff tweedy,” i said all breathy-like. “i’d do jeff tweedy.”
“WHAT? he’s not that attractive,” he said.
“to me he is!”