work has been kicking my ass in all the way that i forgot that it could kick my ass. it’s kind of nice in a comforting, oh yeah this is what it’s like to be relied on to do your job. i kind of missed it, even though i haven’t missed the stress induced insomnia and all that fun stuff. i figure i can catch up on sleep this weekend.

and really, i think i’m throwing myself head first into work to distract myself from how achingly lonely i’ve been lately. i pretend that it’s stress keeping me up at night when it’s more just the mean reds and the fear that i will be alone forever. but it’s just way easier to lay awake and think about work than it is to think about things that will make me cry and feel bad about myself.

i see myself falling back into all my bad habits– avoiding the outside world, curling up into my imagination, losing myself for days in the pages of a book. i’ve even gotten to the point where i’m rocking myself to sleep again. and i know i have to break this self-destructive cycle. i know i do. and i promise i will, just as soon as i get all this work done.