“are you gonna cry?” i asked her my voice starting to crack.
sister #3 just nodded her head, her eyes filling with water, which caused the tears in my own eyes to overflow.
“why are you crying?” i asked.
“because it’s just so sad,” she said.
we were in the midst of the infamous interview, and she had asked me which relationships had the most influence over my life. of course, i said my dad, and it’s probably not the best influence, but it’s the most influential. i told her how my relationship with dad has made me learn that i have to work hard for everything i want, that nothing comes easy to girls like me, and that eventually i learned it’s ok to be different and you can’t please all the people all of the time. plus, if my dad hadn’t been such an asshole, i’d never have discovered my love of books.
“i used books to escape from him,” i told her. “if he had been nice to me, i don’t know if i’d read like i do now.”
that’s not what made her cry. i also told her how the relationship has screwed me up.
“because of dad, i just think nobody can love me for just being jodi, that i’m not good enough,” i told her. “he always loved sister #2 just because she was sister #2 and i’ll never be her.”
that’s when she started crying, and once i started i just couldn’t stop. everything just kept coming out and coming out and coming out.
i told her that i’m lonely a lot and i think my life would be just perfect if i had someone to share it with and the ability to actually share it. because they are two seperate things and i don’t have either of those things. i told her that i regret that i’m too scared to move somewhere else. not just because moving is scary but because i’m more afraid that i’ll leave and nobody will notice.
that one made her cry too.
i told her about how i feel like such a disappointment to mom because i’m not married and how i wonder what exactly is wrong with me that nobody can love me.
then we both cried some more.
the she told me that if i could only see myself through her eyes, i’d see just how crazy i was. because she envies my life and that i’m so independent and she thinks it’s absolutely insane that i’m not married and that maybe i’m too picky. i told her i can’t be picky when i have options and she said i have tons of options and i just don’t see it. and i love her just for saying that.
now, i can’t wait to read the paper she’s writing.
Aw, geez. Now I’m crying, too. I hope all of this helps you get over the awful feelings you blogged about earlier today. It’s so obvious by the way you write about them that you love your sisters and they love you. As an only child, that’s something I’ve never experienced and I think you’re so lucky to have that.
And you know what? I’d miss you if you weren’t around. I really would.
Now, I just hope that you will start believing her. Because she’s right.
Jodi, honey, what she told you is what we’ve all been telling you. I know we can’t make you start believing it, but maybe, someday, the avalanche of love will find a way to break through the barriers you’ve erected.
And now I must laugh because I said, “erect”.
We love you, Jodi, for who you are. If you stopped posting, we’d miss you. I think you’ve even had someone ask around for you when you stopped blogging for a few days, didn’t you? You’re impossible to be missed, and impossible to be unloved.
i got something to say….and this goes in line with what i said a million years ago at sweet rob’s reading when you noticed dale across the room…no way, NO WAY can people not notice you. and i’m not saying that because you are tall, but that’s part of it. you fill up every fucking single cell of your 6’5 frame with strength, smarts and beauty. and it’s so obvious to everyone but you.
remember how tink almost died because no one believes in fairies? how hard did you clap to bring her back to life? my palms practically bled. just take a second to absorb the ovation that is your life. then go get a tink tattoo so you never forget to believe in yourself (or fairies) ever again!