who am i kidding? i tried to go to bed tonight around 12:30, and of course sleep did not come. it’s avoiding me. part of it is my fault, i really fucked up my sleep schedule by staying up until 2 a.m. watching Dawson’s Creek last week, and the week before that i was on vacation, so it didn’t matter that i wasn’t sleeping. but i haven’t been on vacation for a week now, and still the sleep is vacationing. clearly this is not fair, because i have to get up at like 8 in the morning and well, going to sleep at my usual (as of late) time of 3 a.m. is going to make 8 a.m. suck some serious donkey balls.

i’m blaming part of the nonsleep on stress. work’s pretty stressful. so i decided i will put all my worries right here and leave them right here and than maybe, if they aren’t in the bed with me, sleep will come.

things keeping me up:
– the idea of talking to the bossman’s boss about how unhappy i am at work
– the fact that i will probably never have sex (with a partner) again
– the injustice of doing someone else’s job and not getting paid for it
– why i feel it’s my job to do someone else’s job just because that someone else isn’t doing it, because really, that’s not my job
– the all-consuming fear that disc 4 of season 2 of dawson’s creek won’t arrive in the mail tomorrow
– all the stuff to do in a very short amount of time, re. work
– why i feel it’s my job to make sure all my coworkers are busy and happy with their jobs
– whether or not i’ll get into the loft’s mentorship program
– the feeling that i never have enough time to work on my fiction
– if i’ll actually have something published before i’m 34
– the fact there is absolutely, positively no more ice cream in the freezer
– if i can write at all and if maybe i’m just kidding myself about this whole pipedream
– i worry that if i’m really as content as i feel (with regards to everything except work) maybe i’ll become boring and/or settled and i kinda like being a hellraiser and people who are content, they are not hellraisers
– that i have an 11 o’clock meeting on the day that st. paul westerberg’s “folker” comes out and fucking best buy doesn’t open until 10 and wondering if i’ll have enough time before the meeting to go or if i’ll have to wait until after the meeting
– creativity thrives on pain and lately there hasn’t been so much pain that i can think of, besides the usual loneliness/unlovableness, which really has not been rearing it’s ugly head as of late (because i’ve been too fucking busy, however not busy fucking) and i wonder where it went and maybe it just comes when it’s cold
– worrying about sending all the good juju i can muster to FFJ and trying not to forget to muster the juju
– and the #1 thing keeping me up: the fear that i won’t be able to sleep until the wee small hours of the morning and then when the sleep finally comes, i’ll oversleep and miss my 9 a.m. meeting.

that’s all, good night.