yesterday i met FFJ for a late lunch of yummy chinese food. we chit-chatted the afternoon away and it was wonderful. i complained to her how fucking boring and bored i’ve become. she told me i need to date. i told her the thought of it made me a little shaky inside. i have a fear of commitment.
she asked me about it and i said it all goes back to my dad issues. i said most everyone has dad issues, expcept, of course, FFJ because she’s got a great relationship with her parents.
FFJ asked me about the dad issues, and i told her. i had never really told anyone before, well besides the TTHM, but i’m sure he’s forgotten that i told him by now.
i told her because i wasn’t sister #2 my dad would never love me, and because my biological father gave me up he didn’t even want to love me. so i have it in my head that no man will ever be able to love me. but then when i turned 29 or 30, i realized that after all this time, i had finally earned my dad’s love. of course, he’ll still never love me like sister #2. sister #2 is loved merely because she’s sister #2 and she doesn’t have to be anything else. me, however, i seem to think, by not being sister #2 and by having to earn my dad’s love will always have to earn the love, i have to be and/or do something to be worthy of the love. i seem to think that nobody could love me simply by being jodi.
“you realize that’s not true, don’t you?” she asked.
“yes, i KNOW it’s not true, but that doesn’t stop it.”
“they have therapy for that,” she said.
and while it sounds so terribly sad, my silly belief in my own unworthiness, it wasn’t, sitting there in cam ranh bay with FFJ. it wasn’t sad at all, because i told her. instead of making a joke or stepping around the question, i told her, and she didn’t laugh.
well she did laugh but only after i laughed at the therapy line.
and why is this so remarkable? because i told her. i told her and i didn’t even cry (because when i told the TTHM i bawled my head off). and i’m just so proud of myself for letting her in.