this afternoon when i was happily working and playing on the Man With Ties message boards, the mean reds swept in.
maybe it was the songs of loneliness and despair i had decided to listen to today, the one most oft repeated being damien rice’s lonelily. you know it’s sort of like rob gordon said, “did i listen to pop music because i was miserable? Or was i miserable because i listened to pop music?”
maybe it was the conversation about goals and how i’m a hapless gen-xer in a McJob unsure of what i really want to do besides writing of some sort.
maybe it was the stunning realization that i haven’t let anyone behind the curtain in a long, long time, longer than i can ever remember and i miss that. having someone who knows all my secrets and still likes me.
whatever it was, it levelled me. i ended up curled in the middle of my bed clad in a t-shirt and underpants, sobbing into the pillow until i was hiccupping and turning it over because the soggy warmth wasn’t comforting at all.
i fell into an active slumber filled with dreams of trips and planning to leave, always leaving– never was i sure where i was going.
really, i was just feeling like i could disappear and nobody would ever notice. nobody would even care.
but i’m ok now, really.