turning around and saying goodbye

driving to work this morning in the wet, after rainy morning while listening to NPR talk about the death of johnny cash i was stunned by the beauty of the trees. the sky was the great grey-blue of impending rain and the diffused light was making the color of the trees so bright it was almost painful to look at.

and as i listened to johnny cash talk, i realized i had some unfinished business to attend to.

so when i got here to work, i opened up an e-mail and typed in an e-mail address i promised myself i would never use again.

i e-mailed the outlaw. i didn’t say much really, just said i was sorry about johnny cash. cash’s death will affect the outlaw deeply. there was lots more that i could say, but i didn’t. i didn’t say any of it. i didn’t ask questions, i didn’t wonder why. i just said sorry.

and now i think i might be able to let go of all the anger. all the bitter hurt and resentment i’ve been carrying about these past months. all the wondering why i wasn’t good enough. because, it doesn’t really matter.

none of it matters anymore.

because i know, i always knew, he wasn’t the one. i just really wanted him to be, because well, i just want one.

but in the last few months i’ve had quite a few new men enter my life. and it’s only now that i can realize how much the outlaw was not for me. i cannot love a coward.

and it’s these men, some of whom i’ve clicked with almost audibly, that have made me see that.

thank you men. goodbye outlaw.

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