i had one of those wretched, car out of control dreams. blech. it seems sonja and i decided it would be a good idea to take her friend’s minivan to the store to buy something– i am not sure what. she was going to drive, i was in the passenger seat, and the car rolled out of the driveway and down the road. i couldn’t get it to stop, she wasn’t even in the car yet. it seemed the car was going faster and faster and i couldn’t get it to stop. somehow, despite the increasing speed, sonja always managed to keep up with the car on foot. her face was in the window, telling me which pedal to push, that was the brake. nothing worked. i’d push and push and it wouldn’t stop or slow down.
i was going backwards (the minivan was in reverse) on a windy road and i was screaming at sonja to help me. she couldn’t. it was wretched.
i ended up crashing the minivan next to a pond. sonja and i walked back to her parents’ house and debated how to tell the neighbor we took his minivan.
it was all so very, very weird and terrifying.
Perhaps you feel like you’re regressing, losing what progress you’ve made, and you feel you have no way of stopping it.
Pacey/Cutie apartment boy isn’t the same mistake all over again, Jodi. If anything, he’s a whole new mistake, or he could be a really nice guy you can hang out with.
Or he could take you from behind while barking out gentle, yet firm commands.
The future is interesting, no?
I had a dream like that back when I had a crush on a very nice gay guy. In my dream he was controlling the brakes, I think I was steering. Later I realized after looking back at my journal that he was in control of the relationship, that I wanted to go forward and he was putting on the brakes. We still are life long friends, and although we danced a lot, and touched arms at movies, we even spent the night together when I drank too much at his house or when we drove to the Gay Olympics in San Francisco together (I was the closet straight and team manager), and he went to a psychiatrist trying to not be gay, we never got to be romantic like I wanted to, just friends, but we’re still friends. Sometimes we have to roll along with life and let it take us where it will, we can’t control it and once we give up the strong desire to, it’s not so hard to live with the consequences.