there’s your trouble

i was exhausted when i went to bed an hour ago. i could hardly keep my eyes open. but the minute i turned off the lights, my mind started. and, well, here i am.

i’m hurt and i’m angry and i’m so incredibly sad, it’s pathetic. i feel like i’m owed an explanation, but i can’t get one to save my life. i just want to ask him if he has any idea how much he’s hurting me. maybe he doesn’t care. i can’t imagine what horrid thing i could have done to deserve this. it must have been a doozy.

i thought he was different.

i just want to know what went so suddenly and quickly wrong. i can’t figure it out. i try and i try. the only thing i keep coming back to is my old standby– i am unlovable.

and maybe that’s just it. and maybe that’s why my mind keeps spinning because i don’t want to accept that as the truth. but, perhaps it is that easy, no matter how much i want to deny it.

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4 Comments

  1. Calli 31.Mar.03 at 12:15 am

    You know, when it happened to me, I blamed myself too. It’s hard not to when someone just bails out of your life. Abandonment has always been one of my bigger fears and it forced me to confront that in a big, big way. Getting through it, getting over it, was a difficult and important time for me.

    I’ve always feared I was unlovable and unworthy, that no one would ever want me… all those things it seems that you put yourself through as well. Being tossed aside like I didn’t matter forced me to deal with a lot of that. Thankfully, I had friends on my side who lifted me up when I got down on myself. I chose to listen to them… I let them tell me what was good about me and started to believe that his behaviour was not my fault. By the time he reappeared, a year and a half later, I didn’t need him to confirm that (but he did).

    Whatever this guy’s problem is, it’s not you. You aren’t responsible for his bad behaviour. I hope he comes to his senses, but if not, you have to find your way through this without letting it make you feel worse about yourself.

    (man, this is getting long… sorry)

    In my case, it’s left me a little less afraid of letting people in my life. Sounds odd now, but I’d already been cast off by someone I trusted, so what could be worse than that? I lived though it, so why be so afraid?

    I hope any of this makes sense. E-mail me if you want. I may not be able to make you feel better, but I’ve been through this stuff and I can listen.

  2. andy 31.Mar.03 at 6:44 am

    Hi Jodi,

    sorry you’re blue.

    Just stumbled across your site while browsing bookfilter. You’ve got great taste.

    Oh you DO have great breast too, so you’ve got everything going for you. (don’t worry you’re safe, I’m in the UK).

    Chin up,
    Andy

  3. Wes 02.Apr.03 at 6:37 am

    If I may ask… if he did want to not talk to you any more, what would be a better way to go about it? I see this all the time where people just stop all contact and I really don’t understand it. But then I think… how would I do it if I were in that situation? I don’t really know. What could I possibly say? I guess it’s easy for me to say I would just tell it like it is, say how I felt and proceed from there. But I’m not the one having the feelings or the problems. So I don’t know.

  4. Dick 02.Apr.03 at 2:43 pm

    The only action more insensitive or hurtful than breaking off all contact to avoid honesty is when they others give you the old “I’m not worthy of you” or “I know it would be better for you” crap…like thanks for showing me my best option…in your humble opinion….blah…blah …blah. Many of us love your Jodi space here, your grearest stregnth is in just being you. peace….have faith in you..we do!