my sisters like to pick on me. well, we like to pick on each other. my family is unusual. i’m sure you’ve gathered that from the barbecue sauce and porn episodes.

lately i’ve been telling some friends about how my sisters have two goofy nicknames for me. they like to call be bug eyes and go-go-gadget arms. while people laugh at these seemingly harmless nicknames, they have no idea what kind of deep psychological scars they have left on my very fragile psyche.

jodi hanson, unofficial siser #5, has always teased me about my big eyes. not mean, hurtful teasing– but the playful fun kind. one day, when i was living with my cousin patty and her kids, i woke up from a nap. i stumbled sleepily from my room to find buddy, the twins and their friend dougie playing ghostbusters outside my door.

as i stood there rubbing the sleep from my eyes dougie came up to me and shouted, “SORRY ABOUT YOUR BUG EYES!”

i was floored. are my eyes really that buggy? i went to the mirror to investigate. they didn’t seem that buggy to me. i relayed the story to the sister club and they assured me that while i did have bug eyes, they weren’t THAT buggy. allegedly dougie got the line from the ghostbusters cartoon.

so now when the sister club gets into a pissing match about who got the good hair, lips, eyebrows, what have you, i always pipe in that i got the good eyes, because i did! of course whenever i say that, i get three voices yelling “sorry about your bug eyes!”

the go-go-gadget arms stems from the fact that i can reach almost anything, anywhere at most any time. my sisters are endlessly impressed that i can reach anything in the backseat, i can turn on the light without getting out of my chair, and many other useful things that require long arms. whenever i grab anything they go into the whole inspector gadget thing.

but if they only knew that my long arms totally lead me to believe that i haven’t fully evolved. see, people’s wingspan is supposed to be as tall as they are. you know that whole bit. but my wingspan isn’t 6’5″, it’s more like 6’7″. i have neandrethal arms, i am lucky my knuckles don’t drag! couple this with the fact that i have big bushy eyebrows, and there it is cromagnon woman. i just might be the missing link (not to be confused with the weakest link, goodbye).