On the Anniversary of Your Death

Dear Alan,

it’s five years now. Five years today, it’s the anniversary of your death. It’s been five years and the news of your death still overshadows the memories of your life. It bothers me that the memories that stick out the most in my mind are those of your death and not those of your life.

I have to strain my memory to remember the sound of your laugh. To remember the feel of your arms around me. But I still remember that day. Tracy sobbing hysterically when Kelli and I walked into the house. The color draining from my face, the pacing and the tears. The tears that didn’t come right away. The tears that only came once I had to speak the words, “Alan’s dead.” that’s when I cried.

Alan, I think of all the things you haven’t gotten to experience. You never got to meet your nephews Cody and Joey jr. there is another on the way, jenny is due in march. You missed Tracy’s wedding. I wish you were here to pick on Joey with me. So we could make fun of his newborn Christianity the way he picks on me for being a heathen and remind him what a hellion he was.

God Alan. I miss you like crazy. They say it’s supposed to get better with each passing year. But it hasn’t. This day still arrives and I am thrown for a loop. Lost in my misery. It’s hard because this is the type of grief you cannot share. We each have to experience it in our own way.

None of us experienced the events of August 26, 1996 the same. So we cannot share this. None of us remember you quite the same way. So we will spend today on our own islands. Isolated yet oddly still united in our grief.

And today I will not be sad. Once I stop typing these words, I will only shed a few tears. I can still hear, if I listen hard enough to my mind’s eye, I can still hear your laugh and that will carry me through today.

Today I will go to the zoo and today I will drink a beer. And today I will remember how very much I love you and how lucky I was to even have you in my life for a short time. Because not everybody got to know you.

Maybe Alan, maybe if I am brave enough I will rent “mighty ducks 3,” just so I can see your face animated again. I will rent it for those few short scenes. I will rewind and watch them again and again.

I love you Alan,

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