Once Around the Weekend

I haven’t spoken to a single human being, beside myself, since 9:30 Friday night. Ok, that’s sort of a lie. I did just speak to Annette at the gas station. I said hi and she said hi and she said, “have a nice day” and I said, “you too.” If it weren’t for the absolute necessity of caffeine (I hadn’t had any of that since Friday at 9:30 either) I’d still have gone un-human contacted.

Now, I’m not whining. This is what we call setting the stage. Now, I am going to share random excerpts from conversations I have with myself.

This is my brain on Jodi.

“Shit, I got my period today. That can’t be right. It’s not like the 20somethingth. Hrmph! I wonder if I’m going through menopause. Can you go through menopause when you are only 30? Great! I’ll be like the youngest woman in the history of the world to go through menopause. I’ll be in all the 7th grade health books—just like great, great, great, great, great somebody Alexis St. Martin who got shot in the stomach and had the flap thing on his stomach and that’s how they learned about the digestive system. He was in my 7th grade science book. That’s how my grandchildren will remember me as that old woman in the science book. Shit, if I’m going through menopause I can’t have grandchildren. Shit!”

“I wonder what I would do if one day Paul Westerberg read iwilldare.com and decided he just had to meet me. Would I really want to meet him? What if he didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like him?”

“I must be worried about the laundry or something. Every dream I’ve had this weekend had some component of laundry doing in it. Maybe I’m worried about wearing dirty clothes to work. Because all the dreams involved people from work AND doing laundry. I wonder what dreaming about laundry signifies. Probably means I have some deep-seated issues about my mom making me do my own laundry at such an early age. Maybe I should start the laundry.”

“Maybe I should clean the bathroom or something. Hoo! That was funny, like I’m gonna clean the bathroom.”

“This must be the first time in history that Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil” was followed by the Beatles’ “Yesterday.” Interesting. Maybe I should write down all the songs that Winamp is throwing together. I bet there are plenty of strange juxtapositions if I just noticed them more.”

“I should move to Omaha. I bet people in Omaha would love me.”

“I’m going to the worst mother on the face of earth. Why is it that I can’t ever remember to turn off the oven? Good thing it’s electric. Not that I have to worry about being a mother since I’m going through menopause. I wonder if you could still have kids through like artificial insemination or something after you go through menopause. Maybe I should look that up.”

“This bra makes my tits look good. I wonder why I don’t wear it more often. Oh yeah, it’s a sweater bra. The lace makes my breasts look all lumpy if I just wear a t-shirt under it. Damn, they look really good.”

“Reese Witherspoon has a really pointy chin. I wonder if people ever tease her about it.”

“My hair must be mad at me because I haven’t washed it in two days. That’s the only way I can explain that one piece that won’t lie down. I’m sure nobody at the gas station will even notice.”

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