happy thanksgiving! thanksgiving isn’t really

happy thanksgiving!

thanksgiving isn’t really my holiday. well, the concept of giving thanks and whatnot is swell. . . but really, i am thankful everyday i get out of bed. so what’s that leave me with? turkey. ish. i don’t eat turkey anymore. well, not turkey in the form of a bird that’s roasted and basted and stuffed. turkey and i don’t get along well. not at all. for every friday after thanksgiving from 1989 to 1997i would get deathly, pukely ill. it would suck giant donkey balls. i couldn’t do anything but lay around and barf my guts out. i was too weak to read or go shopping. it was just puke and sleep, sleep and puke.

i remember one super-heinous friday after thanksgiving during my college years. i was sleeping on my sister’s waterbed. this was during the sleep portion of the puke and sleep cycle. so, there i was deathly ill, and sleeping peacefully on this waterbed. i remember groggily waking up and feeling strange. something was amiss. hmmm, i thought to myself, something feels wet. then in my nauseated and half-awake state i decided i must have wet the bed. i was starting to cry. but then i started to wonder how i had managed to pee all over my shoulder. then it hit me.

the waterbed mattress had popped. i was laying in water. turns out it didn’t pop, rather the mattress melted to the heater. nice.

anyway, around 1997-98 i wised up. i decided to not eat any turkey and see what happens. no turkey, no puke. it was a wonderful discovery. so tonight, i will eat mini-corndogs and sit with my family and play monopoly and probably barbies and it will be great fun and tomorrow, i will not puke.

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