Hey Darling Ones,

Over the weekend I watched not one but two docuseries on the Twin Flames cult. One on Netflix and the other on Amazon Prime. Both fascinating.

I love documentaries about cults and con artists, which if you think about it are kind of the same thing.

If you don’t know about the Twin Flames Universe it’s a pyramid scheme/religion run by two jokers who claim to know who your twin flame is, which is like a soulmate on steroids and for some number of dollars they guarantee they will hook you up with your twin flame. Then you will live happily ever after boning and being rich and happy.

Of course, it’s complete bullshit and sadly, vulnerable people fall for it.

Even though I don’t believe there’s one soulmate for each person, I did spend a lot of time thinking about my twin flames. Here’s a short list.

1. Matt Dillon. Probably.
2. Fergus. When she curls up on my chest and her head nestled underneath my chin? I turn into a pile of goo.
3. Leslie Jones I spent parts of the weekend when I wasn’t watching Twin Flames listening to her memoir, and now my inner voice is Leslie Jones’s voice. I call everybody a motherfucker. For example, while I watched the Twin flame shows I kept saying to Fergus, “Who in hell would follow the word of that Pete Campbell looking motherfucker?”
4. My eye doctor. He is a petite Filipino man who I’ve been going to for years. I saw him last week, and he was so pumped about how much better my vision (20/20 s 20/40) is going to be with my new glasses (which should be here in 7 to 10 business days). Plus, he was all, “you should put new lenses in those frames, because they really suit your face.”
5. Pickled red onions. I just made my fourth pint of pickled red onions in the last three months. For Christmas I got a mandoline and some new jars that are a little easier for my hands to handle, so I’m gonna pickle everything this winter.
6. Harry Connick, Jr. circa 1990-1993. I’m revisiting my Harry Connick phase. I cannot get enough of his version of Lazybones. I listen to it every night before I go to sleep because I am ridiculous.

Will all you Darling One ones cross your fingers that this is the last blurry-ass update?Hopefully the next update I’ll be able to see clearly and this will help my writing again and I can get work because your girl is broke.

Love, Jodi.

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Hi Darling Ones,

Sometime this weekend I started reading Girls Like Us: Carole King, Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon–And the Journey of a Generation by Sheila Weller. I’m kind of ambivalent about it thus far because I have read a lot about these three women and so there is not a lot of brand-new-to-me information.

There’s some new info, like Joni Mitchell’s first husband was kind of a dick and so was Gerry Goffin. I’m only about half way through and I suspect the gettin’s about to get good.

Yesterday while reading, I came across a passage that had me sitting bolt upright on the couch as my brain fizzed and made a pop cultural connection I didn’t expect.

Here’s the passage:
“‘Earth Angel’ was a breakthrough for us,” Barbara Grossman Karyo remembers, expressing a widespread feeling among girls about the song, which after various releases, became hit in 1955 and 1956. “Slow dancing to ‘Earth Angel’ was the beginning of our sexual awakening.”

I don’t know about you, but I have seen the movie “Back to the Future” about 834 times since its release in 1985. That’s probably a conservative estimate. I love me some Michael J. Fox. I once spent most of Christmas putting together a LEGO DeLorean. I have Doc & Marty Funko Pops. I might need an Enchantment Under the Sea Dance poster. The jury is still out on that one.

Also, I would argue the Back to the Future trilogy is the best trilogy Hollywood ever made. Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight is #2. Your hobbits and jedis and archaeologists and godfathers can go to hell. I said what I said.

When I was reading what Carole King’s teenage best friend said about “Earth Angel” being the beginning of their sexual awakening my mind immediately shot to the penultimate scene in “Back to the Future.” You know the one.

I would like to make a correlation between that scene, my adoration of Michael J. Fox, and my personal sexual awakening, but we all know that happened when I saw Matt Dillon in “The Outsiders.” So the soundtrack to my sexual awakening is probably C. Thomas Howell saying, “When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home.” Nowhere near as cool as “Earth Angel.”

Do you think the makers of Back to the Future picked that song for that scene because of its sexual awakening powers? I did some cursory googling but got nothing. I didn’t try too hard because I have a stomachache and I need to get back to laying on the couch and moaning softly about it.

I’m gonna pretend the makers did know and chose the song on purpose because it makes me like “Back to the Future” an eensy bit more than I did before.

Great Scott!
Jodi

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Hi Darling Ones,

I have inadvertently thought about Matt Dillon a lot the last week. It’s not something I planned. It’s just something that happened, a happy accident for sure.

After yesterday’s letter one of my Twitter pals asked me where “Beautiful Girls” Matt Dillon landed on the Matt Dillon Attractiveness Scale. I had to think fast, because until now, the scale had not been well documented and I had put about 39 seconds of thought into it.

However, today I had nothing but time to think about it because I stopped sleeping at 4:30 a.m. and was downstairs making breakfast at 6. Plus, after talking with my youngest sister about Thanksgiving* I needed something to cheer me up. And, let me tell you, nothing cheers a woman up like looking at pictures of Matt Dillon and saving them to a folder on your desktop like some sort of creep.

Without further ado I present. . .

The Official Matt Dillon Attractiveness Scale

10. Grace of My Heart Matt Dillon

Bestill my heart. Bespectacled rock & roll Matt Dillon cannot be topped. I like to imagine this is what he looked like when he wrote his liner notes contribution to The Replacements “All For Nothing/Nothing For All” greatest hits rarities compilation that came out in the 90s. Matt Dillon + The Replacements? Yes, I did have an orgasm for about a month. Also, not gonna lie, this gets bonus points because “Grace of My Heart” is in my top 10 all-time favorite movies.

9. The Outsiders Matt Dillon

Oh, Dally Winston how I love you. “The Outsiders” movie was kind of a conundrum for young Jodi Chromey. See, in the book version my heart belonged to Ponyboy Curtis. However, my head turned once I saw Matt Dillon as Dally Winston. DAMN. It was like Fonzie x 10 + 10 to the tenth power. Fonzie was the first man who made me realize I wanted to kiss boys. I had many fantasies about being Pinky Tuscadero rescued by Fonzie during the demolition derby and then getting to kiss him. Most of my sexuality followed a Fonzie-like trajectory (James Dean, Dally Winston, Adrian Zmed in Grease 2) until River Phoenix came along and fucked my shit up.

8. Beautiful Girls Matt Dillon

I’m just now realizing that Matt Dillon is in two of my top-10 all time favorite movies. Anyway, he wears a Husker Du t-shirt in this one, and a little later on he wears a Soul Asylum shirt, and jesus christ, I am only human!

7. Drugstore Cowboy Matt Dillon

While I know I’ve seen this movie a bunch of times, I could not tell you what it’s about. I can probably say that about most Gus Van Zant movies I’ve seen (My Own Private Idaho, anyone?). What I can tell you is that I would die happy living cradled in Matt Dillon’s Cowboy cheekbones.

6. Wild Things Matt Dillon

He’s shirtless and reading a book and holding glasses. At some point in this movie I think he makes out with both Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. Maybe he plays an English teacher?

5. Factotum Matt Dillon

As I get older I like my men with a little bit of the grizzle about them. I want some creases in the face, some snow in the beard (though in this picture he doesn’t have that, but you know what I mean). It’s one of the reasons I didn’t include Little Darlings Matt Dillon. It made me feel too fucking gross, kind of like how gross the movie made me feel when I first watched it as a teenager. Yuck. Bonus trivia: Factotum is the 2nd Matt Dillon movie on this list filmed in the great state of Minnesota, and scenes from this stinker were even shot at Canterbury Park not far from where I live now.

4. Singles Matt Dillon

Up until this point all the Matt Dillons on the list are fucking hotter than a million suns. Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s only now, at #4 where we take a turn for the “eh, maybe if I was super lonely, Paul Rudd wasn’t returning my phonecalls, and I had some gin in me.” Really, Cameron Crowe how hard did you have to work to make Matt Dillon unattractive?

3. In and Out Matt Dillon

Blonde? No.

2. Something About Mary Matt Dillon

Creepy mustache? Also no.

1. Crash Matt Dillon

One, zero, negative a billon, don’t talk about it again please. This movie is racist trash and not even Matt Dillon can make a cop sexy. Barf.

I think I might rate all the things on the Matt Dillon Attractiveness Scale from now on. This pandemic? Crash Matt Dillon. Frightened Rabbit’s “The Midnight Organ Fight” record? Grace of My Heart Matt Dillon. Plain M&Ms? Factotum Matt Dillon.

Dillony yours,
Jodi

*Sister #4 and I debated our Thanksgiving plans today and whether or not we should have it. I said yes. We’re all quarantining until then and so we should be safe. There’s only going to be six of us total. Making this decision has caused me more than a little anxiety. Thanksgiving will be the first time I spend in the presence of humans since November 8th. Hopefully nobody dies.

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Buckle up, Darling Ones,

Did you know tomorrow was Singles’ Day? I did not. I only learned of this because I read the subject line of a marketing email trying to sell me stickers.

The phrase “Singles’ Day” caught my eye and I was all, this better have something to do with the mediocre Cameron Crowe film and not be some kind of bullshit, made-up shopping holiday.

Guess what?

It is a Chinese holiday that started out as a cool celebration of being a single person and has since morphed into the largest shopping day on the planet. Pbbbbttt.

It was not a ploy by the sticker company to get me to buy stickers that say things like “Half Angel. Half Tart.” or “My Heart Could Use Some Glasses.” Frankly, this feels like a missed money-making opportunity by the sticker company. I mean, “Singles” was supposed to be a GenX-defining movie and who loves stickers more than GenX? We’re the generation who turned stickers into a market. Whomst amongst us did not buy a sticker book out of a Scholastic Book order sometime between 1981-1985? Who doesn’t have a very favorite scratch n sniff sent that they can still remember when they close their eyes?

Nobody, that’s whomst.

Come on! I’m not even a big fan of the movie “Singles.” The whole movie is kind of a jumbled mess, and you need only look at the soundtrack to see that. I mean, I love the soundtrack, but those Paul Westerberg songs do not fit with the overall grunginess. Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Motherlovebone, and then some nerdy dude from Minnesota jumps in there with a pop song. WHAT? I get it Mr. Crowe, I love Westerberg too but he does not fit here. He’s a fart in the elevator.

The same can be said for the movie’s plot. It just doesn’t make sense. And its biggest problem is the waste of Matt Dillon. Of all the Matt Dillons “Singles” Matt Dillon is like the second-worst. “Crash” Matt Dillion is the worst one because that movie is trash. “Grace of My Heart” Matt Dillon is the best with Dally Winston Matt Dillon a close second.

So basically here are my complaints about Singles’ Day.

1. I don’t need another bullshit made-up holiday to buy sadness stuff to fill up the hole in my life where a partner might be. I mean I already have my birthday and Spinster Aunts’ Day, what more do I need?
2. Although. . . when America does eventually appropriate this holiday I should be the official mascot. And as the mascot I would like them to create a special “6’5″ Spinster Goddess of Minnesota” deck of Old Maid cards. Get on this, capitalism. I’m just tossing out great ideas for free here.
3. It keeps making me think of how the youths on TikTok say they’re “single as a Pringle,” which is the dumbest because Pringles are very widely known for being snuggle buddies with their Pringle partners in that can. Pringles are not even close to single. Pringles were designed to spoon. Fucking, youths.
4. “Singles,” the movie is dumb.
5. I’m single and grieving the end of a relationship which is making me stupid lonely on top of my pandemic lonely. However, I am not so lonely that I kept Tinder. I deleted that shit because, well, that’s a letter for another time.
6. Nobody has designed cute stickers featuring the lyrics from “Dyslexic Heart.”

I just play at making passes,
Jodi

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Howdy Darling Ones,

I would just like to take a moment to appreciate the sudden popularity of the word audacity. People are using it all the time on twitter and TikTok and it pleases me greatly.

Frankly, I’m stunned I could find someone to please me greatly. I’ve been up since 5:40 A dot M when my brain was done with the sleep and I decided to fold and put away all the laundry. Then I read the rest of Leave the World Behind, a book I started yesterday. It is very good and fucking creepy as shit and the kind of writing that makes you think, How did he do that?.

Have you ever seen the show “The Good Place?” If not, you should remedy that right quick. It’s brilliant and funny. The character Chidi was a Professor of Moral Philosophy cursed with indecision. At one point he explains that the inside of his brain sounds like a garbage disposal with a fork stuck in it.

That is me right now.

I spend half of my interminable awake time chastising myself for not pushing past the exhaustion to be more productive, to write something thoughtful and coherent and the other half trying to be gentle with myself and coming up with an emotional snack plan for Tuesday.

Yes, I’m worried about having the right snacks on hand during Election Night. Will I want something sweet? Salty? Donuts? Pretzel Chips? Ice Cream? Cookies? Just to be safe I have all those things in the house right now, and yet the food insecure kid in me is all, but will there be enough? I’ve had to talk myself out of hitting the grocery store before the election about a million times.

I often try to joke about what a food hoarder I am, but then I never get past the sad reasons why to get to the joke. Growing up in poverty with food insecurity has turned me into an adult who stocks their pantry like nine people are going to descend on her house at any minute and demand all the food. I realize that having four 40oz jars of peanut butter in the pantry might be overkill, but also I ran out peanut butter one time and it was horrifying.

So yeah. I got a whole self care plan for Tuesday — snacks, fresh flannel sheets on the bed, a few friends on speed dial, and well, I guess, you.

Thanks, Darling Ones. I feel so fragile right now and I do not like it one bit.

Jodi

P.S. I found some old pictures of my childhood scrapbook while looking for something else. You’re welcome, because fucking Matt Dillion? AMEN! I mean Ponyboy Curtis was obviously my fictional crush and I will straight up makeout with anyone who can recite “Nothing Gold Can Stay” from memory, but when it came to the movie and physical attraction I was all Dally Winston all the time.

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