What’s up, Darling Ones?

I was thinking about which of Rob Gordon’s all time, top five most memorable breakup girls I’d be, if I were one of them. This is the kind of question I spend a lot of time pondering because pop culture is the air that I breathe. This question in particular gets me right in the sweet spot because I love to make Top 5 lists and I also like to think about what fictional character I would be from any movie or TV show or book I love. My family plays this game a lot. Some of my friends indulge me too.

In case you are curious, a few of the fictional characters I am: Elizabeth Wakefield, Beezus Quimby, Phylis Vance, Jackie Harris, Peggy Olson, Tina Belcher, Cameron from “Ferris Bueller,” and Jo March.

When it comes to Rob’s ex-girlfriends I’m probably Penny Hardwick with a Sarah Kendrew rising. I’d rather be a Penny Hardwick with a Charlie Nicholson rising, but I’m too smart and not sexy enough.

This all popped into my head one morning when a friend sent me a picture of John Cusack in headphones and I was all fuck, dudes in headphones really do it for me. You can see how the topic spiraled from there.

So I present to you The Top 5 Things Dudes Do That Are Super Attractive (to me, specifically).

1. Wear Glasses & Read a Book
Men who read are sexy. I’m with John Waters in that you should not fuck people who do not have books. For real, reading books makes all men at least 36% sexier then men who do not read books. A book can easily turn a three into a seven. This is just math, people.

2. Argue With Me in a Manner I Find Amusing/Entertaining/Challenging and Not Condescending or Annoying
I never said these were gonna be easy. I love to argue. I’m a person who dies on all the hills. I will spend my very last breath proving that Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch is the best of all possible Cap’n Crunches. But I’m also a woman who has been alive on this planet for 48 years and have had my fair share of arguments with dudes who think their penis grants them some kind of extra insight or intelligence. I, a woman with a 20-year-old blog, recently had the difference between writing and blogging mansplained to me. . . . so this one is dangerous and that’s what I like.

3. Talk Music/Books With Me While Also Recognizing My Excellent Taste in Music/Books
This one also fraught for the dudes. I’ve covered this before.

4. Like Cats
Again, this is a mystery of the universe. A dude who likes cats is roughly 28.5% hotter than dude who likes his dog. Maybe there’s some sort of secure in his masculinity thing going on here. I’m not entirely sure.

5. Play the Guitar
I’m not a cliche. You’re a cliche. Shut up.

I could easily do the top five hundred things dudes do that are super unattractive to me, but I don’t wanna do that right now. I want to eat a frozen pizza and watch Reality Bites.

Jodi

P.S. The light inside me hasn’t died yet, though I am still trying to shuck the sadness of yesterday. Insomnia is back in my life fucking everything up, which isn’t helping matters.

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This morning on Teenage Kicks, Jacquie Fuller played two hours of side one, track ones in honor of The Current’s upcoming “High Fidelity” showing at The Fitz.

It was, as you can imagine, totally awesome, even though, she chose the wrong Replacements’ song (went with Hold My Life off of Tim).

Since High Fidelity os one of my all-time favorite movies. I can quote most of the movie from memory, even Rob Gordon’s Top Five side one track one. Since you can’t hear me. I’ll just embed this little bad boy.

Top Five Side One, Track Ones

1. I Will Dare, The Replacements, Let it Be
2. Barracuda, Heart, Little Queen
3. Bad Reputation, Joan Jett, Bad Reputation
4. Cover Me Up, Jason Isbell, Southeastern Oh, kind of a new record. In a minute. Very nice, Jodi. A sly declaration of new classic status slipped into a list of old safe ones. . .
5. Sick of Myself, Matthew Sweet, 100% Fun

Contenders that were ultimately dismissed

Greetings to the New Brunette, Billy Bragg, Talking with the Taxman about Poetry
Tangled Up in Blue, Bob Dylan, Blood on the Tracks
Stupid Boy, The Gear Daddies, Billy’s Live Bait
Lost Horizons, Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience
Closer to Fine, The Indigo Girls, The Indigo Girls
Blue, The Jayhawks, Tomorrow the Green Grass
It’s Only Dancing, Jeremy Messersmith, Heart Murmurs
Valerie Loves Me, Material Issue, International Pop Overthrow
Set out Running, Neko Case & Her Boyfriends, Furnace Room Lullaby
F.N.T, Semisonic, Great Divide
Windfall, Son Volt, Trace
Misery, Soul Asylum, Let Your Dim Light Shine
Untouchable Face, Ani DiFranco, Dilate
Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle, Belinda

About the photo: My nephew Cade watching as the needle drops on The Pixies’ “Doolittle” (Side One, Track One = Debaser.) As my friend Caroline said, “Awesome is about to happen. Rarely captured on film.”)

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I often like to play this game. What would I be if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object? The list fluctuates a lot. Well the bottom of the list fluctuates a lot, the top of the list never changes: Pinky Tuscadero. Duh.

I’m pretty sure the number two slot is getting firmed up: Writer for Batman 1966 – 1968.

Holy Smokes! The dialog in this show just about the best thing ever. I’ve been a little bit obsessed and cannot watch an episode without scribbling down a line (or in some cases rewinding an entire scene over and over again until I get it all).

Don’t believe me? Take a look at these:

• ?Darnit all. I?m still positive he chose this particular book. . . I know how this fiend?s mind works. He prepares every supercrime like the frustrated novelist he is. Every page, every chapter is an integral part of some stolen plot,? Batman.
• ?Good heavens, a woman? What?s the world coming to?” Commissioner Gordon
  ?We can?t stop to worry about that now. Our task is to fight crime.? Batman
• ?All music is important, Dick. It?s the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man,? Bruce.
  ?Gosh, Bruce, yes. I?ll practice harder from now on,? Dick.
• ?I swear by all that?s funny I shall never be fooled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again.? Joker.
• ?Holy iceberg. We can expect a crime wave,? Robin.
  ?No, Robin, we can expect a cold wave. . . of terror,? Batman.
• ?I solemnly swear by my oath as a crimefighter that this outrage will not go unavenged,? Batman.
• ?In our well-ordered society protection of private property is essential,? Batman
  ?That?s the keystone of all law and order,? Robin.

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“Who is this,” Rob says.
“vince and Justin,” Dick says
“Who?” Rob asks.
“Those little skate fuckers,” Barry says.
“No way,” Rob says.
“Yes way. It’s really . . . It’s really fucking good,” Barry says.

And Barry hates admitting that it’s really fucking good.

That’s kind of how I feel right now. Last night, before bed I read The Hottie’s short story. As much as I hate to admit it, I was kind of hoping The Hottie’s story would be a little bad. Not Dead on Page 12 bad or UN Navy bad. But just a little bad.

But it’s not bad at all. In fact it is really fucking good. It’s Kelly’s “Advanced Woods” good. It’s Hipster Mom’s “Sixty-five Roses”good. It’s Judy’s “Imposition of Ashes” good.

The Hottie’s story is different, not a traditionally structured story at all. It’s got an unusual point of view and is told almost like a letter. It’s that thing that I strive for and fail at every time — Fresh.

When you take workshop classes it’s not often that you run across things that are really fucking good. You get a lot of good stuff, stuff that has really fucking good potential with a little bit of polish. But the really fucking good is rare.

I haven’t written anything that’s really fucking good yet, and I’m so jealous I could eat my own spleen.

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