My task would be to write crime

There’s a scene in “High Fidelity” where Rob and Laura are sitting at the kitchen table in his apartment. In front of her is a list of five jobs Rob would like to have if, “if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object.” His list includes things like producer for Atlantic records in the 60s or a reporter for Rolling Stones in the 70s.

I often like to play this game. What would I be if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object? The list fluctuates a lot. Well the bottom of the list fluctuates a lot, the top of the list never changes: Pinky Tuscadero. Duh.

I’m pretty sure the number two slot is getting firmed up: Writer for Batman 1966 – 1968.

Holy Smokes! The dialog in this show just about the best thing ever. I’ve been a little bit obsessed and cannot watch an episode without scribbling down a line (or in some cases rewinding an entire scene over and over again until I get it all).

Don’t believe me? Take a look at these:

  • “Darnit all. I’m still positive he chose this particular book. . . I know how this fiend’s mind works. He prepares every supercrime like the frustrated novelist he is. Every page, every chapter is an integral part of some stolen plot,” Batman.
  • “Good heavens, a woman? What’s the world coming to?” Commissioner Gordon
    “We can’t stop to worry about that now. Our task is to fight crime.” Batman
  • “All music is important, Dick. It’s the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man,” Bruce.
    “Gosh, Bruce, yes. I’ll practice harder from now on,” Dick.
  • “I swear by all that’s funny I shall never be fooled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again.” Joker.
  • “Holy iceberg. We can expect a crime wave,” Robin.
    “No, Robin, we can expect a cold wave. . . of terror,” Batman.
  • “I solemnly swear by my oath as a crimefighter that this outrage will not go unavenged,” Batman.
  • “In our well-ordered society protection of private property is essential,” Batman
    “That’s the keystone of all law and order,” Robin.
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  1. Elizabeth 15.Dec.10 at 10:37 am

    When I was a kid we used to play Batman and Robin and Batgirl (me, of course) and ended up making up great phrases in our crime-busting, based on Robin’s, “Holy ___” which he used to do in almost every episode. It probably all started after hearing Robin utter, “Holy socks!”


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