wendy my love you owe me a song. fifteen pages, five minutes until i leave for class. it sucks ass. ASS. i’ve included the first page, below.

The first time I tried to lose my virginity I nearly died. It was my fault. Apparently mixing Toilet Duck with Clorox Bleach creates some sort of toxic gas that will kill you if you inhale it for too long. I was just trying to clean the toilet, not off myself over the plague of my virginity.

I had met this guy at the grocery store. We?ll call him Mr. O’Halloran, because, well, that?s his name. He was a photography teacher at a community college near by, and the mister just fit perfectly. Besides, his first name was Bob and who really wants to admit they lost their virginity to someone named Bob? Anyway, I met Mr. O’Halloran in cereal aisle. He was aiming for the Grape Nuts and I was going for the Sugar Pops. They might be called Corn Pops now, but that?s just stupid. Really, calling them Corn Pops doesn?t make them healthy at all. So there we were standing in the cereal aisle and I noticed as he clutched his box of Grape Nuts that there was no ring. A quick scan of his cart reveals no fruit snax, no gogurt, no juice boxes, which probably meant no kids. That?s when I decided to drop the box of cereal, and he, being a gentleman, picked it up.

?Kids?? he asked.
?Nope, Just gotta have my pops,? I said.

He chuckled at my lame joke and I smiled as wide as I could. If he hadn?t been standing right there I would have crossed myself and said a little amen to God, but then that was part of the reason why I was a 29-year-old virgin. I smiled at Mr. O’Halloran and looked up at him through my lashes. I looked up at him through my lashes. I have to reiterate that, because it?s not something I get to do very often. I?m sort of tall. I was super glad that I had gone through the ordeal of showering, doing my makeup and hair, and finding matching socks and shoes before going to the grocery store that day. My witty pops line lead to idle chatter about the demise in cereal spokescharacters, which lead to an exchange of e-mail addresses, which lead to an invitation to meet for coffee, which lead to an actual date at Mona Lisa?s on Friday night.