i’ve become a ghost haunting my own life; a pale, faded apparition of my usual vibrant self. people are starting to notice. co-workers stop me in the hall, worry creasing their forehead and ask me if everything’s ok. i dismiss it with a wave of my hand, a wan smile, and vauge rumblings of too much work, stress, winter– whatever excuse comes quickest to mind. then they smell it, the wistfulness that wafts about me, the cold smell of loneliness and longing, it widens their eyes and quickens their steps.
i honestly could explain it all away, to make you happy. complain about the seven-day work weeks for the past month, the last endless days of grey, dirty winter, the stewing about in my apartment with the stale air and dead skin from november when the windows were closed for the last time. but i am not going to explain it away to make you happy.
i am lonely. stomach-turningly, eye-wateringly, throat-achingly lonely. the kind of lonely that comes up and smacks in the face each night when you get home. the lonely that countless hours of reading or watching movies cannot erase. lonely sits beside me on the couch as i try to escape into the lives of 1970s skateboarders.
it’s the kind of lonely that causes tears to spring to my eyes at inopportune times. like when graphicsboy decideed to run his fingers through my more-unruly-than usual flame-colored hair and i realized that’s the first time i’ve been touched by another human since possibly january. well, at least a human i didn’t have to pay. because the haircutter touched me, but that doesn’t count because i had to pay her to do it.
and i don’t know what to do to make it all go away. i don’t know how to make me unlonely, which is the scariest part of it all.
Right now I am also finding myself at that point “that causes tears to spring to my eyes at inopportune times”. Also insomnia but tired and a lot of headaches. It is scary because in the middle of it I think “What if this doesnt get better this time?” Buy I will wait it out like I always do, I dont know of anything else to do, it doesnt help me to fight it. Today I found a glass art class I am going to sign up for, creating something tangible will get my mind off other things.
I have a best friend who lives out of town and the last time I saw him he said the same thing about being touched. I will see him next month and will make sure I give him extra hugs. Thanks for the post. Good luck.
Girl, you need to come to SXSWi next year. It’s just the thing for lonely. I have never been less lonely in my entire life. You’ll meet the kinds of people you always thought should exist… They do exist. They really do. They all come here for a gigantic geek spring break. It’s amazing… There is hope, lots of it. You just have to know where to look.
And you wonder why I obsess to the point of creepiness. The world is waiting for you, Jodi. You think you mey not survive without a family member living 10 minutes away to run to, but you have to know for sure that your soul is hurting staying where you are.
Go some place sunny where writers are cherished and loved for the mastery they display; You’d be a goddess. The family is a phone call away and opportunities would be at your fingertips, not like now where they’re the other way around.
You can miss where you came from, but home is where you’re happiest. You’re not home yet.
But you do have the words…and you wield them perfectly. Thank you for sharing your pages and taking away some of the loneliness.
i came across this.. and it sums up exactly what im feeling right now.
Loneliness and misery seem to be my constant companion. It is not easy. Weekends are the worst. Sometimes I get dressed up and then have to think of somewhere to go. Just this past Sunday, I got dressed up…went to the bookstore, sat there for 3 hours…and then went home. Pathetic.