now i remember why i never clean. you never know what you will unearth. in an innocent looking basket i found a piece of paper that pierced my heart and instantly brought tears to my eyes. it was a card from my birthday. he signed it love.

i should have known better than to come home, tonight, alone. sister #2 invited me over, but i wanted to come home and finish cleaning. i’m lost in joy and envy and heartache. seeing my dad propose to my mom again with tears rolling down both of their cheeks was more than this lonely ol’ heart of mine can take. see, i’ve been there for all of their 30 years. of course, i don’t remember all of them. but i remember a lot of them and they all haven’t been good. some of them have been terrible. yet, they are still willing to do it all over again. and i wonder what that is. what is it that they have and feel for each other that despite all the terribleness they are still willing to dedicate themselves to the other? what is that? and how did it skip me? is there something in our genetic makeup that makes us able to love and be loved like that?

so here i sit. wondering what it is about me that drives people away. i turn on the audio book of jack kerouac’s on the road so i can hear another voice.

but i’m ok. don’t worry about me darling ones, as i know you are wont to do. i’m fine. i’m hurting because something special has left my life and i’m at that point where i’m sure i’ll never have something like that again. soon i will know better. but right now i just need to wallow for a few more minutes. then i will brush the tears from my cheeks and take out the garbage and finish cleaning.

i shoved the offending piece of paper between two book. i couldn’t throw it away. out of sight, out of mind. someday, i’ll find it and be able to grin that bittersweet smile and think of redhaired boys and comfort.