Hi Darling Ones,

I recently read Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey, a book I liked a lot more in theory than in practice. Hersey’s ideas around how capitalism and white supremacy exploits us and grind culture literally grinds us down are excellent. The writing, not so much. The book was really repetitive and disjointed, but the ideas are so good I ended up enjoying it.

Perhaps the reason I enjoyed it so much is that it reinforced some of the things I’ve been doing in my life for years. Making it a goal to be as unbusy possible. Not just in work, but in life.nI’m an introvert that needs a lot of alone time to think and decompress. My social battery drains fast and takes a long time to recharge.

Even before COVID hit I set some boundaries on my time, I started to refuse traveling to meetings more than 15 minutes away. It just wasn’t worth it to drive 25 minutes to Minneapolis, meet for an hour, and then spend an 70+ minutes in rush hour traffic to get home. That one hour meeting would eat up most of my day when you factored in getting ready time and decompressing. No thanks.

Then when COVID hit, I stopped taking meetings before 11 a.m. I am not a morning person, and people can like it or limp it. Since the stroke this has become vital to my well-being. Mornings are really, really hard. Waking up is difficult and I’m exhausted most of the time.

I recently found out I have “moderate to severe sleep apnea.” I’m getting fitted for a CPAP on Monday. I’m super hopeful this will make getting out of bed before 11 or noon easier. I long to feel well-rested and not like I’m forcibly dragging myself through each day.

Sorry, got a little off track there.

What I enjoyed the most about Hersey’s book is that it’s really gotten me to think about divorcing my self-worth from capitalism.

This is going to a be toughie for many reasons.

First, as a single, never-married, childless woman what am I if not my work?
Second, as a fat person how can I show the world I’m not lazy if I’m not successful in my career?
Third, if I’m not using my time earning money how will I afford to live?

Uffda!

Right now I spend my time when I would’ve been working worrying about money. It’s like my part-time job that pays nothing. I’m still working to get on the dole (Social Security Disability), but I’m not there yet, and it’s no guarantee.

Yesterday my mom had to help me fill out 14 page of paperwork explaining my day-to-day life. It was so depressing. One of the questions was “what is your average day like from the time you get out of bed until you go to sleep at night.”

Without a lot of work my life sounds to empty. Having to say it out loud while my mom wrote it down was frustrating. Having to name all things I cannot do — stand for more than 90 seconds, walk unassisted, walk and carry something, my own laundry — was humiliating. But I did it.

What I didn’t do, because Social Security didn’t ask, is imagine what my life might be like if I wasn’t constantly worrying about money. I imagine it will be filled with guilt about how I should be working. But eventually that might wear off, right? Eventually I might be able to fill my time with thinking and creating and resting. Maybe?

I don’t know. It’s all so up in the air and I’m doing my best not worry about it with minor success (thanks, Lexapro!)

So I’m starting the divorce process. I’m curious to see how my self-worth handles not being a cog in the capitalist machine.

Could be fun.

Jodi