I’ve been obsessed with Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” for a few weeks. I throw back my head and sing, “hop on the bus, Gus, don’t need to discuss much” at least 50 times a day.

1. Hop on the bus, Gus
2. Don’t need to be coy, Roy
3. Make a new plan, Stan
4. Slip out the back, Jack
5. Just drop off the key, Lee
6. Go to a deserted isle, Kyle
7. Find a new hen, Ben
8. Flip her the bird, Turd
9. Just get gone, Don
10. Blame it blight, Dwight
11. Drop off the Earth, Mearth

*Look, if Paul Simon couldn’t be bothered to write more than five actual ways to leave your lover then I’m not going to write FORTY-FIVE more ways just to be funny. Six extra ways is plenty.