Where I Stand on the Important Issues

I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet this election season. Don’t worry, I still have a lot of opinions and stances on the important issues facing our nation and humanity. In case you need to know where I stand. I present to you a list of things/people I’m endorsing/fervently not endorsing here in the waning weeks of 2016.

  • Hillary Clinton: Obviously. I’ve only been waiting about 24 years to cast this vote. Donald Trump is a dangerous racist/sexist/homophobe/abelist piece of human garbage. He’s not just bad for our country, he’s bad for humanity.
  • Vanilla: It is not a flavor. It’s a building block on which you build flavor. People who order vanilla milkshakes puzzle me to no end.
  • Mary Hernandez: because I want to be represented in St. Paul by a smart, Latina woman.
  • This morning’s sunset: it was pink and pretty and I didn’t take a picture, so you have to trust me on this one.
  • Angie Craig: I’ve been “represented” by John Kline in Washington for far too long. Jason Lewis is gross, like Turnip-levels of grossness.
  • Amanda Shires. Her album “My Piece of Land” might be my favorite of 2016. I’ve listened to it nearly every day since August. It is lovely.
  • Walnuts: Still taste like stale flies, or what I imagine stale flies would taste like if I ever ate them. They are an abomination and do not belong in cookies or banana bread ever.
  • UnReal: I binged on the first season this weekend while making Nolan’s Christmas blanket. It’s a soap opera/reality-tv parody(?) that is seven tons of awesome and I just realized that I can watch Season 2 online so now you’ll know what I’ll be doing this weekend.
  • Ben: I write my brother-in-law in for Soil & Water Commissioner every election since I moved back it MN in the mid-90s. I’m sure the officials in charge of tallying shit in Scott County hate me.
  • The Mothers by Brit Bennett: I’m only halfway through but the writing in this novel is so damn lovely that sometimes I stop and say, out loud, “Damn, that was lovely.”
  • Nine Justices on the Supreme Court: A pipe dream, maybe. I’m a foolish optimist. The Republicans can fuck right off with not doing their goddamn jobs and at least hold confirmation hearings on President Obama’s nominee. Like what kind of childish jackassery are they pulling on our country. I don’t get you Republicans you’ve had control of congress for the last two years, you hold a majority of the governorships and yet you blame Democrats for the dumpster fire that is this country? I DON’T THINK SO. Y’all just really need to get your house in order and stop being such selfish pricks.
  • G.H. Cretors’ The Mix: I might need an intervention. I have a bowl of this every night and like an hour later I’ll find a piece in my shirt or down my bra and I eat it. I do. I have zero shame.
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