A few weeks ago I talked about cutting back on my cable bill. When I made the cut I thought I’d just be cutting back on the Dawson’s Creek but I was wrong. I was cutting it out completely. Ouch.
There are no words to describe this hole in my life, no, in my very soul. The spot where Dawson’s Creek was is filled only with the echoing refrains of “Nothing Compares 2 U.” It’s been so lonely without you here, like a bird without any song. Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling. . .
I miss the Creek so much that my brain has started to play this fun game. Usually it happens early in the morning as I put away dishes, feed the cats, prepare coffee. It happens in idle periods where you’re not really thinking.
I didn’t notice this until yesterday and was promptly appalled. I was standing in front of the refrigerator looking for some non-dairy, chocolate-favored creamer when I realized my subconscious was talking to itself. Here is what it was saying:
“I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel the way I feel when I’m with you. So, I guess the point of this long run-on sentence that’s been the last 10 years of our lives is that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you’re off the hook.”
“For the record, I don’t want to be off the hook. Because everything I have done has led me here, right now, and the last thing I want is to be let off somebody’s hook.”
“Don’t miss my point here…”
“And don’t miss mine. Pacey, I love you. You know that. And it’s very real. It’s so real that it’s kept me moving, mostly running from it, never ready for it. And I love Dawson. He’s my soul mate. He’s tied to my childhood, and it’s a love that is pure and eternally innocent. I can’t be let off the hook because I just might get the notion that it’s OK to keep running.”
My subconscious was good because it even got the parts where Joey’s voice cracks on that last line.
I am not sure if I should be disturbed that my brain is reenacting memorable scenes from Dawson’s Creek in its leisure time, or if I should find it comforting that the Creek is always with me.