Emotional porn

I have heard tales told that when some people need help getting the mojo rising or the juices flowing they follow their prurient interests to porn. Tonight I needed some help. Not with the bow-chikka-bow-bow, I took care of that yesterday ifyaknowwhatImean. Nope, I needed some emotional porn.

Ever since I found out I was losing my job, I’ve been telling everyone I’m fine. I’m doing fine. I’m good, how are you? It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie but since I can’t quite put words to what I’m feeling, I go with fine. It’s easier that way.

But all the lying and the denying of how I’m really feeling has made me emotionally frigid. I have not slept more than four or five hours in a row since the day of the announcement. Which could be stress-induced insomnia or it could be the fact that I’ve had a stomachache for nearly three weeks. Take your pick.

I realized today when I made the phone call to get my haircut that things were starting to careen out of control. When things are completely out of whack I turn to the only thing I feel that is in my control, my hairstyle. It makes perfect sense to me. You exert control over the one thing you know you can. And clearly one of the things I cannot control is my overuse of the word control. Control. Six times in one paragraph. Vodo’d be so proud.

Also, I like to joke that I have to go get a decent haircut now while I can still afford it before I am forced to go to Great Clips. My co-workers find it funny.

Haircutting aside, I knew I had to take matters into my own hand. I decided that instead of sitting around like a just fine, good how are you jodibot, I was going to force myself to crack. I was going to cry and pout and rage against the machine if it killed me.

So when I got home tonight, I plopped into the comfy green chair and pulled out my secret weapon — the very last two episodes of Dawson’s Creek. I knew that if a dying Jen and a finally-choosing-Pacey Joey couldn’t thaw my cold robot exterior, nothing would and that I was doomed for a life of a Tin Woman.

Even though I might not be the most emotionally aware person, I am a Supergenius and it worked like a charm. I sat in the dark with Paco on my lap, rubbing WD-40 into my rusty tear ducts, and crying my damn head off. I even cried at the parts that weren’t sad. I cried just because I knew a sad part was coming.

It was good, and draining. Now, in my weakened, exhausted state, I can admit that I’m really fucking scared. I have nightmares of losing Supergenius HQ because I can’t pay the mortgage because the only job I can get is at a gas station and that I’m going to have to move into one of my sister’s basements and I’ll never get laid again.

Irrational? Hell yes. But it doesn’t make it any less true. I’m scared and that’s the worst feeling in the world. I know it shouldn’t be. We should always do things that scare us because it means we’re taking risks and really living. But, well, it’s much easier to do other kinds of scary things when you’re financially secure. I don’t want to be poor again. I grew up poor and spent most of my twenties there. I like my comfortable middle-class lifestyle. I don’t want to lose it.

Fuck, darling ones, I am scared as hell.

(Visited 121 times, 1 visits today)

10 Comments

  1. Wendy 10.Dec.07 at 10:51 pm

    I don’t think I could handle knowing a specific date. I’m a bigger fan of the ripping-off-the-bandaid method. If I had to pick one, that is.

    Reply
  2. Raychel 10.Dec.07 at 10:51 pm

    I feel glad that I got to read this entry… thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  3. christa 11.Dec.07 at 1:03 am

    i used to use the movie ‘the notebook’ — and yes, i understand that nicholas sparks is a tool — as my emotional unhinger. i’d chase it with ‘beaches.’ and there i was with all those episodes of dawson … and it never occured to me. doh.

    if i needed a quick fix, the finale from season two of buffy was good, too.

    anyway, hang in there.

    Reply
  4. bakiwop 11.Dec.07 at 6:43 am

    good for you. i was wondering when you’d let the sadness kick in. Now do you have a game plan? Are you looking for another job?

    Reply
  5. shokkou 11.Dec.07 at 7:23 am

    Nice. Self-indulgence is fun. Now get to networking, update your resume and start moving forward. You’re a Gemini. You will succeed where others fail. It’s in the stars. :o)

    Reply
  6. Peabo 11.Dec.07 at 8:13 am

    Ahh yes, the hitting of that reality moment. Thank goodness you pushed yourself into it now because you have *so much time* to prepare. You really do–even though it doesn’t seem like much at all. You’re looking, yeah? Who wouldn’t want to hire you? You’re intelligent, funny, creative, and a hard worker. This opportunity (because it is one, friend) might take you in a completely different direction. Let it do that, go with the flow (while you keep control over those other things like your hair 🙂 )

    Reply
  7. Thomas 11.Dec.07 at 12:40 pm

    You’ll be hired in three weeks. Meanwhile, use your newfound scared-ness to your advantage. Cry to your family and tell them you need support more than anything because you can’t deal with this. Move their focus to you and off the petty shit they’ve been picking nits about.

    Reply
  8. Tim 31.Jul.08 at 11:35 am

    What’s wrong with Great Clips?

    Reply
  9. Jodi 31.Jul.08 at 11:39 am

    Mostly the fact that Jenny doesn’t work their and I love Jenny who cuts my hair.

    Reply
  10. Courtney 01.Oct.08 at 12:43 am

    I soooo relate to this post, it’s scary. Loving the Dawson’s Creek. I had to but every DVD when they came out. I just recently became unemployed and I am desperate need of a good cut and color 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.