If only I could just think of the right opening line

It has come to my attention that while 2006 was supposed to be my year, it totally was not my year. Why? Because I had no sex with anyone other than me in all of 2006. At least so far, and there’s what like four days left in the year? (I have totally reached that vacation point where you have no idea what day it is.)

So anyway, I see a few my exs’ screennames just smiling up at me from Adium, begging for a nice, friendly, happy holidays message from me. We’re totally ignoring the fact that we haven’t spoken to either of these men in months and months and months, because, DAMN ALL OF 2006! Now if I could only come up with the perfect, well-crafted opening line that strikes a balance between abashed playfulness and downright wantonness. So far, I’ve rejected most everything I came up with:

  • Hi, remember me? Want to have sex?
  • Have you forgotten how poorly I treated you? Want to have sex?
  • I’m not wearing any pants.
  • Hello, I’m wondering if you’d like to have sex. With me.
  • Hey, Merry Christmas. Did you have a lot of fun? Remember how much fun I am in bed?
  • I decided to forget how poorly you treated me, if you have sex with me.
  • I was cleaning out my closet today and I found that orange bra you loved, want to see it?
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14 Comments

  1. UH 27.Dec.06 at 12:36 pm

    Any of those would work, but I particularly enjoy the last one.

    Reply
  2. Jodi 27.Dec.06 at 12:38 pm

    UH, if I were trying to find the courage to IM you, I’d just say, “Hey, wanna touch my boobies?”

    Reply
  3. UH 27.Dec.06 at 12:44 pm

    That would definitely get my attention, for sure.

    Reply
  4. Jodi 27.Dec.06 at 12:46 pm

    I could play you like a fiddle. . . too bad you are persona non nookie.

    Reply
  5. Timmy Mac 27.Dec.06 at 1:58 pm

    I think you’re coming at it the wrong way. How about “I bet I can outdrink you, you wuss.” Then let the rest take care of itself.

    Reply
  6. Jodi 27.Dec.06 at 2:00 pm

    But I can outdrink like 99.9% of my exs. I have a hollow leg.

    Reply
  7. Thomas 27.Dec.06 at 2:29 pm

    How about, “Christmas comes only once a year, how about you and I see how many times we can beat that!”

    Barring that, ask to borrow a cup of penis.

    Reply
  8. Placemat 27.Dec.06 at 3:13 pm

    #3, but change “pants” to “slacks”. Slacks is way classier.

    Reply
  9. Jodi 27.Dec.06 at 3:33 pm

    I would never have sex with anyone who wore “slacks.” Come on!

    Reply
  10. Placemat 27.Dec.06 at 5:57 pm

    Ah, but you’re NOT wearing them.

    Reply
  11. BORAT! 28.Dec.06 at 9:39 pm

    Jodi! Hello!

    You must thinking be of the line, “Hello! My name is the Jodi! Would you like to be having some of the sex with me?”

    Win them every time! You are the wacky American sex-sex machine!

    Reply
  12. FFJ 29.Dec.06 at 5:00 pm

    i’m coming over to have sex wwith you right now.

    Reply
  13. UH 29.Dec.06 at 8:05 pm

    Dear God, please let them be videotaping.

    Amen.

    Reply
  14. Jodi 29.Dec.06 at 8:18 pm

    oh pervert, i’m at the bowling alley.

    Reply

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