It has come to my attention that while 2006 was supposed to be my year, it totally was not my year. Why? Because I had no sex with anyone other than me in all of 2006. At least so far, and there’s what like four days left in the year? (I have totally reached that vacation point where you have no idea what day it is.)
So anyway, I see a few my exs’ screennames just smiling up at me from Adium, begging for a nice, friendly, happy holidays message from me. We’re totally ignoring the fact that we haven’t spoken to either of these men in months and months and months, because, DAMN ALL OF 2006! Now if I could only come up with the perfect, well-crafted opening line that strikes a balance between abashed playfulness and downright wantonness. So far, I’ve rejected most everything I came up with:
- Hi, remember me? Want to have sex?
- Have you forgotten how poorly I treated you? Want to have sex?
- I’m not wearing any pants.
- Hello, I’m wondering if you’d like to have sex. With me.
- Hey, Merry Christmas. Did you have a lot of fun? Remember how much fun I am in bed?
- I decided to forget how poorly you treated me, if you have sex with me.
- I was cleaning out my closet today and I found that orange bra you loved, want to see it?