On saturday night, one of my very best friends in the entire world announced to a crowded bar that I “put out.”

If I close my eyes I can still feel the heat of my blush and hear that low rumble of lots and lots of men cheering and whopping at the same time.

Michelle, our server, was standing at our table. “Did she just tell the entire bar you put out?”

I didn’t answer because I was too busy trying to crawl under the table, though the neon glow of my face and my bright red hair were a definite beacon in the night.

See, FFJ had decided that she was gonna sing me a song for my birthday. I, of course, never turn down an opportunity for my friends to humilate themsevles in front of complete strangers.

So after much heated debate FFJ decides she will sing either “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls or The Rolling Stones’ Beast of Burden. Since we can’t agree, Michelle says she’ll be the one to decide and she walks off with the slips.

A bit later, FFJ is called to the front and she starts in with a kickass version of Beast of Burden. She’s got the crowd in the palm of her hand, because she’s good. Then she gets to this part:
Oh little sister
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, girl
Youre a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty girl
Pretty, pretty

and she inserts:
Jodi’s Such a pretty, pretty, pretty girl
Come on baby please, please, please

Ill tell ya
You can put me out
On the street
Jodi puts out.

And the crowd went wild. I think I might have gone a little deaf from all the hooting and hollering.

Then, because that was not quite enough, about an hour later, she gets up and starts singing “I Touch Myself.” Though she doesn’t insert my name into the lyrics, she does announce that her friend Jodi, whose birthday is Tuesday and has red hair and is sitting in the back is accepting dates from anyone who is at least 6’4″.

Now, all that’s left is deciding on how to get my revenge.