i awoke this morning at 7:15, a full fifteen minutes before the alarm was set to go off and like a full half hour before i actually planned on getting out of bed.

unlike most mornings, i was feeling strangely awake. instead of snuggling deeper under the covers, i threw the covers off, rolled onto my side and began pawing the floor on the side of the bed.

what follows is entirely more information than like 98.6% of all people want to know about me. it’s about practice and the act of practicing (that’s masturbation for people who don’t get the euphemism, which incidentally comes from a replacements’ song “i ain’t very good, but i get practice by myself”). the dirty perverts among you will dig it. the rest of you, it’ll just make your stomach hurt.

so yes, first thing this morning i decided to practice it up. not so much because i was in the mood or woke up after a particularly hot sex dream, but because sister #4 was already at work. i figured with an empty house i could be as loud and uninhibited as i want.

living with sister #4 is like the anti-aphrodisiac. my solo-sex life has taken a real hit since relocating Supergenius Headquarters. i’ve gone from a nearly every single night routine to a sometimes on sundays when she goes to bed early. it’s been tough, because i really enjoy sex – even if it’s with myself. my practice sessions were usually sweat-producing, profanity-inducing orgasmathons. i would always talk dirty to my imaginary lover, it was a lot of fun.

but now with a sister a room away, i’ve had to change the routine quite a bit. sure for like two weeks it was fun to see how still and quiet i could be, but the novelty of that wore off real quick.

so this morning, i thought it was time to get it on. i threw off the covers, found my trusty vibrator and went to work.

i am out of practice.

usually i’m pretty quick on the uptake. i can go from nothing to afterglow in just under five minutes. today that was not the case. it took me forever. i got up on my knees, i laid on my back, i rolled over onto my side, i tried different imaginary lovers, i wondered why men are always so horny in the morning. nothing was working.

i worried that i have gone frigid.

but just when i was about to give up, i exploded. it was good. and then, even though i was wide awake before i came, i was suddenly sleepy and tired. which leads me to believe that i am nothing more than a pavlovian dog. my solo-sex had gotten into such a routine that just the time shift was enough to cause me troubles. i was so used to coming at night and then going to sleep, that i couldn’t perform in the morning.

you know what this means?

more early mornings for me.