he is dead, soon to be wrapped in plastic

i remember lo those many months ago when Roland was brand new. i remember sitting on the phone talked to darling jason and just caressing him lovingly (roland, not jason). it was a match made in heaven, roland was born for me, so beautiful and true, i could have died there with him.

sadly, he’s the one that died first.

on saturday, i was sitting on the couch, roland at my side. i was listening to my latest kick-ass playlist “Songs that will not make you frown.” i was singing and writing and not wearing pants, it was nearly perfect. then roland decided to skip “I Will Dare.” just randomly skipped my all-time favorite song ever.

“do that again and you’re grounded,” i said to Roland.
“fuck you bitch,” he said back, skipping randomly over “Jeepster,” and “Different Drum.”
“I’ve had just about enough of that nonsense,” i said.
“oh yeah? oh yeah?” Roland asked. “take this motherfucker.”

and then he played half of eels “Hard Rock Times” and refused, simply refused to play the New Pornographer’s “Letter to an Occupant.”

“you’re in big trouble now,” i said as i typed in the Apple support site. i tried to the resetting, the updating, the disk scanning, the sacrificing of virgins and the burning of incense. nothing. Roland just kept giving me the exclamation pointed file folder sign.

and that’s when i began to weep.

“i’m sorry Roland,” i said. “I promise to not play ‘Jeepster’ more than 4 times in a row if you come back to me. I’ll buy you that super cute iGuy. I’ll be good, I will, i swear. No more Bel Biv Devoe, i promise.” then for good measure i cried a little more. begging him for some response. “don’t cut me off like this. you know how i feel when people don’t respond to me. the silent treatment hurts me more than getting punched in the face.”

but, like most men in my life, my tears and hurt feelings met absolutely nothing to him. he remained stony and silent in the face of my raw emotion.

and so now i am Roland-less and bereft. he’ll go back to Apple for an oil-change and tune-up as soon as i get a box from them. never was there a tale of more woe than that of jodi and her roland-oh.

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  1. wolfdog 25.Jul.05 at 7:03 pm

    when roland gets back, he’s gonna hold you to that iGuy promise. (and your promise of no more Bel Biv Devoe)

  2. zook 26.Jul.05 at 1:42 pm

    Just way too funny! You crack me up Supa G. You’re not still wearing the earpieces in shock are you?


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