last night i got home from setting up sister #4’s new computer and called the TTHM. i wanted to curl up into his warm voice and cry about my troubles. i wanted him to anchor me back to earth. it didn’t happen so much. i couldn’t do it. my mind was reeling with the words and i couldn’t put them out there into his ear. i know he’d have listened, i just couldn’t make my mouth speak.

instead i tried to explain something else. he was a little concerned about my ability to not make sense. it’s not getting better. something’s going on. i can feel it. my insides are in chaos. it’s a vague sense of unease. and not like a sense of foreboding, just a sense that SOMETHING is going to happen. something is coming that’s going to knock my off my track, to rock my foundation, to spin me in another direction. that’s the best way i can explain it. this weird sixth sense has me floating four feet from earth. i cannot seem to connect.

i don’t have the slightest notion what that SOMETHING is going to be. but things just keep getting a slight more turned up each day. some small something changes nearly imperceptibly, and i’m completely tuned in to it.

and the most frustrating thing? i know that makes completely no sense at all.

now, i keep looking for signs. can’t everyone feel it? that cosmic potential that’s in the air? is it just me? am i just looking for signs? because i read about the NBFB’s sense of rebirth and i think “AHA!” because it validates the cosmic weirdness that’s enveloped me.

words are failing me and it’s pissing me off. i’m frustrated because i can’t make anyone understand.