Whenever the TTHM tells me that he has mentioned me to his therapist, my stomach kind of flip flops in a weird sort of way. I’m pretty sure it’s equal parts, “he probably thinks I’m a bigger wack-job than you” and “I can’t believe I play such a role in his life he mentions me to his therapist.”

Usually, when he mentions these mentionings, I don’t ask too many questions. Mostly because I don’t think it’s any of my business, and partly because I really don’t want to know what’s being said about me. Last night, however, I wasn’t so lucky. The TTHM told me, without any provocation, what exactly they had talked about regarding me.

Thankfully, from what I can gather, I was only a passing mention. The TTHM had said something to the effect that I was the only woman he’d ever met who put up the same sort of barriers he did when getting close to people. Something about how when I got hurt I removed myself from the hurter, effectively shutting them right out and making them chase after me to prove how much I meant to them.

The revelation took my breath away.

Never, has someone nailed me to such a T. I didn’t like at all what I was hearing from him. I was ashamed, stunned, and thought about getting angry. It’s not easy to hear your worst traits coming from the mouth of someone else. I knew I did this, but for him to not only know it but to point it out, well that was something entirely different.

I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, because I’ve never been all that successful with the getting someone to chase me to show they care. Usually they just let me leave and that’s the end of that. You would think the lack of chasing would clue me in to something, but it hasn’t. All it did was reinforce my notion that I wasn’t worthy.

I pulled this stunt most recently at the art opening of my friend the Artguy. I had asked the TTHM to accompany me so I didn’t have to stand around by myself looking like a jackass. While the TTHM did say yes and did accompany me, I did end standing around by myself looking like a jackass, because the TTHM had found someone his age to talk to. He proceeded to talk to her the whole evening. The longer I stood by myself the angrier I got. Instead of going down to talk to him about this, I just said goodbye and ran out.

Sobbing, I drove home. By the time I got there I was feeling a little bad for making such a dramatic exit. When the TTHM arrived at his home, he called me up apologized and then proceeded to give me a lecture I’m not soon to forget. I listened sullenly, rolling my eyes more than a few times as he talked on and on about telling people when you need something, and talking about anger and blah, blah, blah.

Last night, however, that month-old lecture took on a whole new meaning. When he admitted that he did the same sorts of things, I had to stop and think. I had to toss this all about in my head. Before last night, I had come to the conclusion that the lecture was more him not accepting responsibility for hurting me than anything else. But now I know; the lecture was more a word to the wise from someone who has been there before. I couldn’t even defend my behavior. It is indefensible. I couldn’t be angry because it was true.

So now, after spending all day thinking this over and over and over again, I’ve decided I have to change this. It’s gonna be hard, but now that I’m aware I think I can do it.